Hopefully I'm able to communicate everything I'm wanting to say and maybe it will be insightful for someone else too.  I've been spending a lot of time lately just working on myself, actually getting to know me and enjoying my own company without distractions which of course leads one to a lot of thinking and self discovery. 

Yesterday one of my best friends in the entire world asked me to be her maid of honour and naturally, being the super sensitive person I am, I started crying and said yes. This is a huge deal. Years ago I was so codependent on her, obessessive and absolutely smothered our friendship. I recognized what I was doing, she retreated and wasn't actively engaging in maintaining a friendship which hurt so incredibly much but I honestly couldn't blame her. I was exhausting to be around. I didn't know how to just relax and let her be her own person, I was terrified of losing her friendship. Up until I met her I hadn't had a real proper friend who understood me and we'd make each other laugh so hard. 

So I did what I always do; I held on too tight and she needed to be free.  I'm still not really sure what clicked in my head but for some reason my intuition knew I had to take a massive step back or I'd lose her forever. I did just that. We stopped hanging out daily, we stopped our all day texts and Snapchats and we went our own separate ways and made new friends. We still kept slightly in touch, just a hey thinking of you message every once in awhile. 

Then a few years ago we ended up working together at the same clinic and we slowly started becoming friends again. We'd go out for drinks or dinner after work and make the time we had together actually mean something because we weren't hanging out all the time, it felt special. She was in an abusive relationship and started opening up to me about it, I was so worried for her but instead of being controlling I would just listen and offer some advice if she asked. Then she moved across the country with her abusive boyfriend. I felt sick at the thought and I told her she didn't have to and I'd be here for her. She heard me but it was definitely a mistake she had to go and learn from. So she moved and we sort of lost touch again but she was always in the back of my mind and I was hoping she was okay. 

Just over a year ago I saw in her IG stories that she was back in my province and thought maybe she was visiting family. So I shot her a messaging asking how long she was back for. She told me she had actually moved back and had broken up with her abusive boyfriend. I was so relieved. We then made plans to get together and go on a big hike and have some proper time to catch up. She picked me up and we had a full day in the car traveling and an eight hour hike to rediscover our friendship. It was beautiful to meet her again. Suddenly it felt like we were back to understanding each other and like no time had ever passed, the years we spent apart didn't matter at all. I knew in that moment that she'd be apart of my life and I didn't have to be so controlling, I could finally really let go and properly enjoy her as a person and be thankful for her friendship. 

Since then we've kept in much more regular contact, but not to the obessessive levels we used to be. Our friendship is healthy and it feels amazing. She's been in a lot of therapy after her break up with her abusive ex and is thriving as a person. She met a truly amazing guy, when I met him for the first time I knew that he's the one for her. She's shared that he takes the time to have the hard talks with her and helps her grow as a person, they care about one another, he's silly and goofy so he matches her sense of humour so well. I adore the both of them and love to hang out with them because their love is so infectious, you leave feeling good about yourself. 

They got engaged around two months ago and have been ironing out the details, I was one of the first people she told when she got engaged and as I mentioned before I'm sensitive, so I started crying, I was so happy for her as she deserves all the love she's getting.  Last night we were hanging out as her birthday was the day before, we were having some drinks, her fiancé loves to host so he made us a big snack board and left us to our girl time. As we were chatting she said she had something to ask me but she didn't think she could ask in a funny way so she just has to say it. I told her to go ahead. So she asked if I would be her maid of honour and through my tears I said yes. Then I teased her that I was wondering when she'd finally ask me, but as soon as I said this I realized how entitled and possessive that sounded and I was worried, so I quickly explained I didn't mean it in that way. But she started laughing at me and said she was glad that's my reaction and not why the hell are you asking me to be your maid of honour reaction. 

She's told me before she's always thought I have a strong personality and she's always been drawn to that. I find it amazing she can see the positive for some of my old actions. She helps me see myself in a different light; letting go and not being codependent doesn't seem as scary. I know I still have a lot of myself to work on and understand, I think personal growth is a thing you do for life anyway. 

My heart is so very full of love and hope. She's also not the only one in my life who has been opening up my eyes and helping me understand myself better. I feel so fortunate for the friendships I do have. I really hope that I can implement these learning moments in a relationship with someone myself one day. So long as I'm patient, don't rush or control the outcomes and just let people be themselves I think I'll be just fine. I just need to trust that I know myself well enough to let go. Processing all the trauma that has lead me to act the way I have in the past has been so exhausting, sickening and disheartening at times but when it leads me to these moments it makes it all worth it. 

I've had the Mary Engelbreit quote on my wall for years, "don't look back - you're not going that way." 

I think I'm finally understanding it.