I’m not sure of how I feel writing this or where I’ll go. I’m going to do my best not to stop to think and just let my mind flow into the keyboard and my fingers follow the vibrations of the song I’m listening to.

I don’t want to admit that I’m not ready to love anyone. I am not sure why, but I can think of a million reasons. I think that I want to go over each one of them. Starting with the fact that my anxiety and codependency are not healed… I’m not sure how I am going to be in a relationship when I am always wondering what that other person is doing, when I can’t even focus on being alright myself because I just can’t breathe if I’m not around them. I can’t focus on finding a job because all the time I am wondering why this person is texting me with less love than what he used to, or why this person isn’t inviting me over with such grace as he used to do in the first days.

My codependency. I am not sure if… I just realized that I’m not sure of anything. But my codependency isn’t the enemy here, my thoughts are the enemy… I just know the theory, but I can’t seem to put it to practice. My heart feels like it’s going to explode right now, and I clearly just want to cry, but something in my chest isn’t permitting me to let go.

I know that I have to breakup with him, because at this pace we are just going to suffer a lot and truthfully, he doesn’t deserve it because he’s really a good guy. And I deserve him, I deserve someone that loves me unconditionally and he promised to love me unconditionally and he has, but I didn’t read the small words in between lines where it said that he would slowly become cold and distant. I can tell that he loves me because of a million things that he does, such as finding the time to meet me, which suddenly has become a necessity for me, when just a couple of weeks ago I was begging for space.

I was having a great time with him while I had a job. He was always so sweet and caring, and now it just feels like he does it mechanically. Which brings me to reason number two.

I think that he’s too afraid of losing me, but that he’s not truly in love with me anymore. How is it that someone can go from fully loving to loving just enough? I remember when I was the light of his eyes, God, it was just weeks ago, and now I feel like it’s a burden for him to have to meet me, like an obligation. There is no more romanticism in going to the rooftop to watch the sunset.

I know that he says that it’s because he has way less time now, but whenever he finds the time, I don’t feel my boyfriend anymore, I feel someone who is constantly upset, who doesn’t really want to be there with me, but that just wants to feel the love that I am willing to provide. I feel like if there was someone else to give him the same amount of love that I give him, but without tall the anxiety, neuroticism and codependency, he would be so much happier… I’m not sure if he’d just like switch, but I am sure that he’d be happier and that’s what we all want, to be happy, right?

Maybe I’m being selfish with everything that I’m writing here but I just can’t help it anymore. What he’s giving me is not enough and how could I humanly ask him for more, when he’s giving me all he’s got? Once again, I must acknowledge that everything he says he’s doing, he’s doing it and I am more than grateful for it, but I just don’t feel loved. And I don’t know if I don’t feel loved because he isn’t loving me good or because I simply am not ready to feel loved.

What’s real and what isn’t? It makes a huge storm in my brain, all the thoughts clashing between themselves. My emotions are all over the place and a second I feel confident that we are going to make it and then the next I feel like this is a dead-end, and of course it kills me, I love this man, I have learned that I love him with all my heart.

I can’t blame him for not wanting more communication, it hurts him, drains all his positive energy and I think that it even scares him, where’s stability in that? Where is the good love in this? My feelings are genuine, but are they strong enough to sustain a relationship? Am I brave enough to let him go? Just so he can be happier?

In a perfect world, he would always want to talk with me. He said that I could call him anytime that I was feeling anxious. But it doesn’t feel real, because he gets so defensive, and right now all I need is for him to hold me in his arms and let me cry in his shoulders and to hear from him saying that everything’s going to be okay like that Saturday evening in between the walls of that hostel room, that he’s going to love me no matter what. That this team that we’re forming will be unconditional and that our hearts will melt together until the day we die.

I just want to love and be loved, unconditionally. I know that I am a huge package, my brain doesn’t allow me to trust easily, my thoughts are 99.9% of the times against me and I don’t think that I’m strong enough to keep this up.

I know the alternative. If I don’t have him; I lose myself in the void. That deep sea of lust that doesn’t let me be my authentic self. Always lusting after the flesh, in a deadly and poisonous cycle where I am productive for a week, then start lusting with porn for days until my head decides that it wants more and then I would usually stop because of fear of getting an infection or any other illness… but now the one that scares me the most is basically off the hook. I am protected against it, so what will become of me?

But is it his responsibility to be with me just to protect me? Just to prevent me from entering the void again? Because when I’m with him something completely different happens. I lose myself in him. If he doesn’t act a certain way in which I feel that everything is alright, then my day is ruined. Like the past two weeks, when I couldn’t do anything at all, because all I could think of was him.

Does he really love me? Or does he love how much I love him?

And if he does really love me… does it mean that me breaking up with him would bring him straight down to his own void, the one I rescued him from? Or is he now deeper in it, because I drain him so much that he doesn’t have the energy to not be dragged down?

I want to be happy. How? I’ve read many guides on how to stop my mind from thinking but there is none that will truly help. My head simply explodes with ideas and thoughts that are constantly poisoning my relationships and my body. My head feels so heavy that it makes it hard for me to not want to fall asleep. My eyes feel so weak that I feel like I’m going to burst in tears at any moment. And then something happens that my hopes go up again, and the cycle restarts. A cycle that happens multiple times in just one day… how healthy can that be? How can one be truly happy living like this?

I don’t want to live like this anymore… why… why can’t I just love and be loved like everyone else? Why can’t I just be happy in my house doing my own stuff while he’s at his without worrying about when we’re seeing each other next? Why is it that I can’t think of any other way out than to let him go? Why, oh why?