I've been with my gf almost 3 years. She has childhood trauma, ptsd, and crippling anxiety. She also has no car, irl friends, or spending money. I knew from day 1 our relationship would probably not work, but she was really quiet, sweet & go with the flow. All my exes were loud and constantly picking fights so I decided to try a change

For about 2 years she never touched me or complimented me because of her trauma. She would push away my hugs, kisses & sexual advances, and I felt so worthless. I begged and begged for affection and she would just watch me cry, tell me to be patient and stop bringing it up. She refused to go to therapy

I decided to stop initiating, focus on myself and got heavily into the gym & meditation. That bought me another year and after 2 years of asking she finally started therapy and to make some progress with touch, but still nowhere near where I need.

By this point I had trained myself to be unattracted to her to avoid rejection. She also gained ~80lbs from binge drinking which didn't help. Her behavior when binge drinking (making out with girls, falling over, saying rude / embarrassing things) also made me less attracted to her.

She cut the drinking way down but the resentment is still there. She's being more touchy, but the resentment of 2 years rejection is still there. Plus, although she acts somewhat sexual now, she still doesn't kiss and I have to do 100% of the movement. It's depressing

In addition, I tried to break up in August and she said she would kill herself so I reluctantly stayed. Now that resentment is there too

I tried to leave over text a week later and she guilted me for not doing it irl, came over & convinced me to stay

She's being so sweet now, always cooking me dinners, buying me little gifts, wanting to spend all her time together and trying to be affectionate. I would've loved this a year or two ago but now I'm burnt out and done.

Whenever I try and talk about my resentments or issues like the suicide threat she avoids the conversation or just says "I'm sorry" or "mhm" to everything and it never gets deeper than that

I want to leave so bad but part of me also feels like I'm giving up a good thing. She's not argumentative, she lets me do my thing, she obviously loves me and supports me, and now she's finally interested in sex & physical touch (although still not how I need)

I just literally feel like I can't leave and even if I could idk if it would be a good idea. I don't think I'll find someone as chill as her again.

I'm so torn and every day feels like a nightmare even though she's not technically doing anything wrong