hi, just discovered this community but curious about something. i know i have a tendency to be avoidant which i've worked through in therapy but i'm kind of wondering whether it's possible to be codependent but avoidant?

what got me thinking about this is i've always had a pattern of relationships with gfs who are attached to my hip so to say. in a way i think i am drawn to these types of women. at the same time, i also have a pattern of slowly building resentment for this very behavior that i am subconsciously drawn to.

what happens after some time is i have this resentment but i have this fear of leaving. eventually there comes a time when the relationship starts to feel fake even though it's obviously very real. what i mean is i feel like my role in the relationship feels like i'm acting in a movie or something. i feel like i'm doing the things that i'm doing because it's what i am supposed to do, it's what is expected and that's what would make everyone happy. but it feels empty. all these other people make it seem like they feel something strong and passionate about their relationship while for me it doesn't ever feel like anything that's more than "this is nice, this has benefits that i like having and don't want to give up". I thought maybe my depression is hindering me from feeling things to their full extent but i'm not sure anymore.

one reason that leads me to believe it's not depression is that i've had past experiences with dating (not so much full blown relationships) where i felt like i had to run like hell. at first i thought, avoidant attachment style, then i thought anxiety or a combo of both. then a few months ago i was talking to a friend and she made a comment about how in relationships "you feel butterflies" and it's important to know what's that feeling of butterflies vs actual anxiety. that thought stuck with me because i've never felt "butterflies" over anyone i'm with but i have felt what i thought was anxiety but was maybe "butterflies" when dating and i never explored that further because i chalked it up that whatever that feeling was, it was a bad sign.

now that i'm writing it out it makes me think that maybe i've avoided real feelings whenever they cropped up and instead have found myself in relationship after relationship that "make sense" that i feel absolutely nothing about. which is why i kind of see my partners (both current and previous) as being a very close friend.