You all know I can crank up the snark! Popped the movie in last night and took copious notes! Anyone else up for a Troy watch-along?

2004 Troy (with Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom)

I haven't watched this in YEARS, so, inspired by our readalong, it's time to blow the dust off the DVD and pop it in!

It deviates from the book considerably. Note that it's not called "The Iliad". It's called "Troy" and says it's "inspired by" the Iliad, with the magic words "inspired by" meaning that it's several degrees removed from the source, even further away than "adapted from [...]" or "based on the novel [...]" or even "[...] by Homer".

1. Starts in Thessaly, where Aggy wants to fold Thessaly under his rule. One-on-one combat, where the monster-sized Thessalonian champion loses to Achilles lighter, quicker and more athletic style.
2. From the very start, Achilles has contempt for Aggy.
3. Aggy and Menelaus are established as unattractive, middle-aged men with dad-bods. Helen's unhappy with her marriage, saying it was arranged by her parents and she was "brought" to Sparta years ago.
4. Paris and Helen had slept together multiple times in the past, even before they run off together now. They are, of course, in love. No "Judgement of Paris" Beauty Contest, no gods involved.
5. Menelaus is furious, and wants his wife back, but brother Aggy is scheming, and looking at this as an opportunity as a power-grab to rule the Aegean Sea. His brother's marital issues and honor are secondary.
6. They need Achilles, who is teaching/training his girly-man cousin, Patroclus, in fighting skills. Patroclus literally has a 70's girls-school hairstyle and seriously looks like a girl.
7. Briseis is introduced as Hector and Paris' cousin. She has just taken her vows to serve Apollo.
8. Achilles brashly beats Aggy and his ships to Troy's beach, and his men attack an unguarded temple of Apollo at the beach and slaughter the priests and loot the place. Hector brings his troops to counter-attack, but gets trapped as he sees scores of Greek ships landing at the beach. Achilles allows Hector to leave safely and return home.
9. In a hostile meeting between Aggy and Achilles, Aggy confiscates all the loot from the temple, including Briseis. There is nothing about Chryseis, or any plagues hitting the Greeks.
10. Paris and big-gorilla Menelaus duel, and Paris loses horribly, getting a slash cut across his thigh. He runs to Hector (also on the field), clutches his ankles and whimpers. Then things get really, really muddled and confusing.
11. Aggy prematurely declares that the Trojans "violated the agreement" before the duel is even over (???) Menelaus yells at Paris to fight, Hector tells Menelaus to back off, the fight is over (but doesn't say who definitively won). Hector defends his brother (???) and kills Menelaus (whaaaat? Drastic deviation from the source! So now Helen is a widow, and there's no reason to give her back but Aggy is STILL fighting, because he has his own reasons and agenda that doesn't involve Menelaus or Helen at all! Is this so she can stay with Paris?)
12. None of these idiots have chinstraps on their helmets, so at any hard blow, the helmet falls off, leaving their entire head vulnerable.
13. This all means that the Greeks and Trojans have NOT been battling for 9 years. All of this stuff has just freshly happened.
14. Ajax is reduced to a HUGE brute wielding a mighty hammer. He gets killed by Hector.
15. The Trojans rout the Greeks and deliver a major ass-whooping. Back at camp, Aggy, Odysseus and Nestor discuss their options. Since Menelaus is dead and Helen doesn't matter anymore, the movie invents a new motivation: If they withdraw, they lose face and the Hittites will sense their weakness and come after them. They need Achilles!
16. Odysseus tells Aggy to return Briseis, and Aggy shrugs- he doesn't care and already gave Briseis to the men as a sex toy (groans). Just as the men are about to molest her, Achilles sneaks into camp, kills them and rescues Briseis. (headdesk) They sorta fall in love, have sex and Achilles is sooooo pretty! Now he's ready to sail his ships back home, after all, he has the girl, right?
17. The Greeks have not built a sea wall or dug a trench, since they haven't been there for 9 years. Their tents are just pitched on an open beach.
18. The Trojans, using the advantage of higher ground, roll a bunch of big Thatch Balls of Doom that are set on fire and roll into the Greeks' camp.
19. Patroclus "borrows" Achilles' armor without his permission or knowledge and joins in the battle. We can tell that he lacks Achilles' fighting expertise, and gets killed by Hector. Hector removes the helmet, and his look says, "oh sh**, I just killed a little girl!" Then Hector and Odysseus agree to a truce for the day, and nobody fights over the armor or Patroclus' body! The Greeks can just...have...him. No prob!
20. Achilles simply burns Patroclus on a modest funeral pyre, and doesn't murder/sacrifice any Trojan kids, dogs or horses. No Funeral Olympics either.
21. Eudorus, Achilles' friend/assistant, is "the do-rag guy" and never wears a helmet.
22. Hector shows Andromache an escape route from Troy, and tells her to save herself and their son, just in case he's killed.
23. Playing into the typical "ancient armor" trope, Achilles puts his breastplate over bare skin. Not even a tunic or any padding! BTW this is Achilles' original armor, since it is never confiscated as Hector's war prize, nor needs a replacement forged by Hephaestus. Update: And BTW, there are many ways that this armor is inadequate. Patroclus was killed because of poor metal coverage!
24. Achilles doesn't become a rage-fueled one-man-war-machine, laying waste to Trojans galore. There is no ballet of fury and mass destruction. He simply rides his chariot out alone to the gates of Troy and calls out for Hector.
25. There is no chase 3x around the city. And no illusion of Hector's brother coming to assist him.
26. Although Achilles threatens to gouge out Hector's eyes, and chop off his ears and tongue, he never does this, even when there's ample opportunities, and there's no gods protecting Hector's body.
27. Priam enters Achilles tent without the help of Hermes. We are somehow supposed to believe that Priam can just sneak into an enemy beach camp (attributed to "he knows his land better than they do"). Priam also mentions that he knew Achilles' father, Peleus, and that Peleus had died since. Achilles steps out and wraps Hector's body personally, and weeps over him (!!!). That's right! He cries more for Hector than Patroclus!!!
28. Achilles gives Hector's body to Priam for free, and even provides horses and a cart. Briseis pokes her head out and sees her Uncle, and Achilles frees her and allows her to return to Troy with the old man and the body.
29. Achilles sends Eudorus and his men home, and stays behind, solo, to do... something.
30. The movie has the Trojan Horse and the Sack of Troy- both missing from the Iliad. While the looting, burning and murder of civilians is taking place, Achilles is searching for Briseis (!!!).
31. There's a sort of "sisterhood" with Andromache, Briseis and Helen, where they comfort each other, look out for one another and head for the secret exit and assist women, children and the elderly to escape.
32. Aeneas is a random young man who was helping an old man to the secret passage. Paris gives him the Sword of Troy and assigns him the task of protecting the people and finding them a new home (!!!)
33. Briseis runs in the opposite direction as everybody else and goes to the temple to kneel. Aggy seizes her and she stabs him in the neck (!!!) Some Greek soldiers are ready to execute her but Achilles comes flying in to the rescue! Just as Achilles is helping her, Paris pops in and shoots Achilles with an arrow to the foot, with no help from Apollo. Achilles dies.
34. The movie ends with Achilles' funeral pyre. I guess it implies that Paris and Briseis join the others at their new hideout at Mount Ida (???)

But wait! There's more!!! On Youtube, there's a scene from the "Director's Cut" ending, showing Paris and Helen (hand in hand) among Troy's surviving refugees at Mt. Ida. Now that we know he's alive and well, is he going to ask Aeneas for the Sword of Troy back? And, since he's the last surviving Prince, is he going to take over and lead the people? Don't need Aeneas after all? LOL LOL LOL

And... it sure looks to me that this movie was specifically designed to scrub clean/sanitize/redeem Achilles' rep, starting off with beautiful Brad Pitt as the lead, and had rewritten/removed all of the objectionable parts (every bullet point on my "Achilles Sucks" list except for "Achilles drags Hector's body behind his chariot") No rape. Treats Briseis way better and she likes him and vice versa and he keeps rescuing her. No murdering of children. Doesn't keep running to Mommy.

The Verdict: Attractive A-list cast. Great battle scenes (even if they might be CGI). But, if you spent the weekend playing video games, and your class essay assignment is due tomorrow morning, don't watch this movie and do a write-up based on this. Instant "F". Read the Marvel Comics version, or the children's version, "The Iliad for Boys and Girls" and get it right!