On October 23rd of 1900 BC, Jefferson Davis strode proudly into the Panamerican City of New York. It was a muggy morning, and yet many were in the streets.

Davis probably didn’t have the best plan in his head, but he was determined to see it through. That is the Confederate Way.

He found his target – a bagel vendor. He was perfect.

Jefferson Davis strutted up prominently. The vendor picked his nose.

Jefferson cocked his fist back. The vendor didn’t notice.

And then, Jefferson Davis punched the vendor.

In the face.

A hush falls over the street, as everyone suddenly realizes that the head of the CSA just walked into New York and punched a Panamerican bum for no reason. The vendor shakes it off, his nose bloody. He looks at the Confederate Leader dead in the eye. These next few words would be remembered all throughout history.

“AYYYY FUGGETABOUTIT!”

The hot dog vendor reacts faster that Jefferson Davis can handle, and the boot of the bum hits the confederate ballsack at the speed of OUCH! Davis flies into his orbit, as his crotch turned from solid into a previously unknown state of superheated fluid. The crowd roars.

“AND I SAYS BADA BING BADA BOOM!” cries the Bagel man, as the crowd cheers the national hero. Jefferson Davis’s head, knocked clear off his shoulders by the force of the kick, crash lands into a Chilean mine, causing a nearly unending avalanche of salt for years to come.

And that was how Jefferson Davis died.