Hi, im 23M and i suffer with BPD, chronic pain, opioid longterm use symptoms and everything makes me not capable of living normally. I started to wear abdl diapers (honestly the most absorbent i could find plus blue color is neat) bc i could sleep the whole day and be in bed without being in pain while trying to go to bathroom, I know this is borderline for inpatient care but its close to holidays and i dont want to spend them in psych unit again. I struggle with not ending it bc of pain, overstimulation and overthinking plus family.

In June this year i bought the Segufix restreaint system for my bed and sadly i cant show pictures here (look them up) but its a series of medical straps with magnetick locks and it the same stuff the use in my local psychiatric hospital, since i have been restrained often almost daily bc i found it being really a stopping power for my meltdowns ( or i almost struck someone on the unit and i was forced into them for a cooldown period) and it was comfortable. So i bought the whole thing for like 1K dollars and its my way how to soothe myself while suicidal so i stay safe, i call my sister if she can hold the key since if im completely restrained and dont have the key, im in them until key used so its safe and if im alone i try to get the key on one arm but im still secure unless i would decide to undo 25 locks and it has added bonus of a soothing pressure like a weighted blanket would give….i actually hate normal weighted blankets. Its like a stop for big feelings since you are basically grounded….literaly cant move or even sit up so its kind of serene and i usually get sleepy.

I just hope i will be able to read this post in 3 months or in 5 years since i dont have high hopes of surviving for long since everyday is a struggle and im running out of ways to cope, please give me strenth if you can and i also hope you all are not as bad as i am right now. I wanted to give up today but instead i decided to write this post.