((This is just a vent)) I don’t really know what to write. I’m in pain. A lot of pain. This is the first time I’ve called in sick to this job since my diagnosis. My POTS is acting up really bad today, I feel nauseous and dizzy, and my entire body hurts so badly. And I know its my fault, I absolutely could’ve prevented it if I weren’t so scared of using my mobility aids in public. I literally bought my mobility aids to AVOID this specific situation, but I can’t bring myself to walk out my front door with either of them because I’m scared of being mocked or ridiculed or harassed because I don’t “look disabled enough”. And on top of that, I feel guilty for even needing the day off to take care of myself. I fought with myself over calling out, and it took my boss so long to respond, I was willing to go in and just pile on more pain just to make my boss and coworkers happy. But then I don’t even really get the day off, because my grandmother is going to make me do stuff around the house for her (she doesn’t care or understand that I’m in pain).

I feel helpless and awful. I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. What I really need is a good cry.

Okay, venting over.