An inspired by church bucket list conversation with my wife turned from a couples connection activity to a bucket of experiences that will never be had. While there were responses of trips, vacations, and goals- I had an answer of “I just want to know the feel of a woman’s chest” didn’t go over so well. Before you get bent out of shape with me you must know the backstory of the bucket list wish. (This was just a convo between my wife and me, not in a small group setting)

We have been a deadbed or sexless marriage for the entirety of our 20yr marriage and there’s no clinical, emotional, or physical reasons why. Books, counseling, therapy, you name it has been tried but nothing will make her desire sex. Yes, I wooo her by washing dishes and gentlemanly manners. I have never been allowed to touch her sexually beyond her extremities, never seen her totally naked, and have never been what you’d call satisfied with anything sex. We have had sex, but it was nothing of a normal experience in which a normal couple would have. If the subject flares up she will lay and offer “duty sex” but that will never fly with me and I’ll never ask of her something she doesn’t want to do. Nothing to pursue, I promise there’s no joy in any of it. This is Gods reward for striving to do the right thing all my life.

Back to our “relationship building” conversation…. She called me a “perv” and ended the conversation while acting hurt the rest of the day. I am beyond tired and hate the sexual life God blessed me with. I’m not sure why sex is so important to Him if He allows it to be the single most divisive factor for our marriage. Sure it’ll get passed off as a Satan thing, but Gods sexual joy is shoved in our faces all the time. It is really hard to not be bitter, resentful, and defeated in a roommate or platonic marriage.

I’ll continue to be content with my marriage since there’s no grounds for divorce and I don’t want to be “selfish” by giving in to worldly desires. Not really looking for anything specific other than vent and to maybe bring awareness to those that aren’t married. All marriages are NOT blessed sexually.