This isn't something I talk about a lot but it's been heavy on my mind. I'm 21, and have really never been religious. I've been through a lot, I know I'm not the only one. But my Dad would take everyone to church on Sundays & Wednesdays when I was younger, then turn around and beat us at home. Parents divorced after a while, typical abusive dad story. My mom turned abusive on me once Dad was gone, but more verbal/emotional. She's crazy, my other siblings avoid her even more than I do. I was raped and on drugs in highschool, went to rehab at 16, etc. You get the idea. I didn't believe in religion and hated God and the idea of it.

I'm now engaged, clean, sober, and my fiance and I have 3 kids together and our own place. Here recently I've been questioning a lot. Everything ALWAYS works out for us, it's far past coincidental at this point. He's always telling me "I keep telling you, He's got us," referring to God and things just keep happening and it just gets heavier every time he says it. Then my relatives will pop up out of the blue and say something about God and I don't know, it's hard to explain.

I want to know more about it, but I feel ridiculous asking my partner about it because I feel like I'm a little old to be changing beliefs and I don't know where to even start. What am I even asking? After everything I've been through it's like it should be impossible for there to be a higher power, but it also feels like it's impossible for there not to be SOMETHING?

If anyone can give advice or understand this post, I appreciate it. My heads a mess over this. 😅