Dear God,

What the hell do you want from me? Seriously, I don't know what Im supposed to do anymore. Its been almost two years since my job was taken from all because I did something stupid six years ago at a different job, told the truth without even being asked and otherwise would have gone unnoticed, and got fired. Not just fired, railroaded, framed and fired. You gave me a new job (or so I thought), you told me everything was going to be alright. You blessed me with a second child, a new house and had everything going great. I was going to church, I was going to bible study, I was getting my life back together. I was getting the second chance I was promised. Or so I thought.

You took that from me. Why? All because I told the truth? Because I did what was asked of me? You took away the means for me to care for my children, to pay for my home. You took my confidence, my self-esteem. You took my reputation, my second chance. Why? I WAS HAPPY DAMNIT! Now after 18 months both me and my wife need to work more than full time jobs just to stay broke. We never see each other, I'm on 4 - 5 hours of sleep a night just to wake up and try to be a half-assed parent for 8 hours then work a super physical 10 hour a day job that I cannot keep up with. I hurt so bad every day. We are at each other's throats from tension, I am failing as a dad, I am failing as a spouse, as a friend, as a son, as a Christian. I am failing at everything I set out to do, and what I thought were the core responsibilitie4s that were laid out for me.

In so little time I have been knocked from a confident leader that balanced working on a global team, being a good father/husband to a sniveling worthless piece of shit that can't even make a decision about lunch, and can't even do that right. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? WHY? Seriously, this tension, this negativeness that is starting to tear this family apart from the inside cannot be what you want. If it is, THEN WHY? Each month we never know if we are going to be able to afford our home, afford food, afford our bills. We see each other just long enough to fight over stupid crap and trade child watching responsibilities. Once upon a time I'd work my 9 to 5, come home, we'd have family dinner, go out and do something fun, we praised you in our lives. Yeah, we had our issues, but we didn't have this fear, doubt, and anger ruling our lives EVERY DAY. I didn't physically hurt EVERY DAY. We didn't have to survive on 5 hours of sleep EVERY DAY.

I have begged, pleased, prayed to you, Lord. A sign, A solution, A direction, A miracle, something, ANYTHING! Seriously, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? Would it really screw up your magnificent plan, just to give me a job that feels normal to me? Would it really screw up your perfect world just to let me feel normal again? Would everything just go to Hell if you gave me a little sign that was obvious to me as to what Im supposed to do? WOULD IT? I can't go on feeling like this. You spoke to me once through an Angel, I know you did because what you said came true. I KNOW you are capable of it, but now when I need you the most you are silent. 18 months you are SILENT TO ME. WHY? Every DAY I beg and plead, EVERY DAY I ask for forgiveness for what I did.

If I'm so worthless, then why am I still here? Why did you put two of the most amazing children I have ever known in my care? Why did you point me in the direction of this house and make it such a simple purchase when I had my job? Why did you physically save my life? Why are you letting this shit go on in my life? Don't my kids deserve better? Doesn't my wife deserve better? You want to show me what a piece of shit father, son, husband, friend, Christian, whatever that I am, fine. But, YOU GAVE ME THIS FAMILY TO CARE FOR! I'm doing the best I can, and I every day I feel more and more like a failure. My best is absolute SHIT, you know it and still, you don't help me, WHY?

Now, the icing on the cake. The two people I look up to in my life, my pillars in life my parents now have their health starting to fail them. My parents, who I just want to be proud of me one more time I see you slowly starting to take from me..... why God? Why take the one pure thing left in my family's lives away? Why do you let me cry every night over all of this? Why do you leave me here alone in this? Am I supposed to be doing this painful job, am I supposed to be looking for another, and if so why haven't the literal last 300 jobs been good enough for me? Am I supposed to start my own business? How am I supposed to do all of this and not suck as a Dad? SERIOUS GOD, my kids deserve so much better than me, and yet here we are. What am I supposed to do?

I'm sorry to dump this here, I apologize to anyone that wasted time to read this, I just don't know how else to reach out to God. I have spent hours upon hours in daily prayer, alone, in groups, with others just to get a hint at what I'm supposed to do. I'm losing it all in the silence. I hate myself and hate what I've become from this stress. My kids deserve so much better than me. My family deserves better than to have me as a financial, mental, emotional burden to them. I feel ignored by God right now, and I'm not even asking for that much. I've done what I can to be faithful to him and to what I am supposed to be doing as a Christian, but I feel like a failure every day. Just, why... why won't he just throw me a bone here? A job would fix the tension, fix the parental bonds, fix the anxiety and allow us to reconnect again. This cannot possibly be what he wants for us, if it is is... then... why?

I'm sorry for whatever I did to offend you God.