If you go through my history, you'll see a long story, several posts long of depression, begging for support, prayer, etc... Well, I can't take it anymore. A few years ago, I went through some dumb choices in my life. I found out that we were pregnant with our first child, one that we tried to have for abound 8 years. I decided to fess up for my mistakes and as a reward for honesty lost my job. Out of fear for my family I agreed to something more grievous than what I did and received a big black mark on history that will show up in background checks, but I thought the fight was over. I in the process of dealing with this got a new job, a better job, and continued about my life thankful each day that I had a job and family. Since then I got my life in order, started to climb back up, returned to Christ, got saved, became born-again, got baptized, etc... We got a house in 2015 and moved closer to my new job. Life was stressful but good, we had another wonderful child, I was the top of my team at work, I worked hard, and came home and was a Dad for as much time as I could before crashing and starting the process over again.

August, I lost my job due to that black mark on my record that was well known and conversed with my management. From what I can tell someone did not report my mark to someone that likely needed to know to make such a determination a few years prior. October, I broke my leg, and a few days later got a saddle pulmonary embolism, and obviously survived, but spent a lot of time in the hospital. November finally got surgery and by December was turned down by several jobs that were eager to hire until this issue again came up. Come January I developed an infection in my leg from the surgery and will be going back in a few days for additional surgery to try and clean up the infection.

In the middle of all of this we are fighting to keep health insurance as we seen to be falling in a gap of making too much for one, but not enough for another. I don't know how families manage to stay together and lean on each other like this.

During this time I feel as if I have not been an effective parent, an effective leader, husband, son, or useful in any fashion. Between unemployment and the few hours my wife is able to work we are barely making ends meet, once unemployment runs out I have no clue what we are going to do. I spend my days stressing over everything and feel as if I am ignoring my kids who just want to play and spend time with their daddy. I am trying to scramble and look for jobs, work on personal projects that may have fruitful potential. I look at my kids and hold back so much pain and tears that I can only hold myself together long enough to go somewhere and cry alone to myself just so I can come back and hug them and lie to them telling them everything is okay.

I keep getting told I haven't failed my family and that we have not been forgotten by God, but I cannot help but to feel the latter. I am a failure, I spent all my life putting those I love first, and now I can barely keep a roof over their heeds and food on the table. People are helping where they can, but I cannot expect them to keep supporting a family of 4 for this long, I cannot expect everyone to keep us in one piece. I just want the second chance I was promised, I want my kids to look up and see their daddy happy and see someone they can respect and know they can count on. I want my routine back where I work to make my family safe then come home and spend time with them. I want to not cry in pain and fear every day and have confidence again. I want to focus on love and compassion again in stead of fear and doubt.

Thanks for reading this, I don't know if I am looking for anything from you guys, but I needed to type and just pray that it maybe helped a bit.