I have posted a few times here asking for prayer; truth be told I am losing hope...

I made a stupid mistake 5 years ago which I confessed to and cost me my job. A job I had for 9 years and was the most reliable member of. The reason for my mistake was a handful of depressing issues impacting my personal life and I for once took the easy road as opposed to the hard / right road.

After 3 months of unemployment I received a new job, one that was aware of my past and was willing to give me a chance. I immediately showed my worth and became the best performing member of the team, was given additional responsibilities, raises and was looking at a good future Also blessed with a child that we medically were not supposed to be able to have.

Two years ago, bought a house, a house that has a story in itself that we feel God picked out / saved for us.

Six months ago, blessed with our second child, life became a bit chaotic, but things were still looking balanced and good.

Four months ago (Late August), the failure I made from the beginning of this story came back to bite me and I was told despite my impressive work history I was no longer able to work for this employer and I was released.

First month (September), looking for a job, some hope, but nothing happened.

Second month (October), looking for a job, little hope, nothing came from it. At the end of the month dealing with some high depression, was talked into going out for some fun rock climbing something I have experience in. I fell broke my leg in three places. Ability to find work severely cut down,, surgery needed.

Two days before surgery; developed a saddle pulmonary embolism. Basically a giant clot between my lungs and heart. This was a clot I didn't even know I had, but I got to the ER due to the severe pain in my leg from swelling. The ER was in disbelief how I was not only alive, but functioning. I was rushed via ambulance to a bigger hospital. My stay was a week, and surgery put off a month.

November, managed to land a job interview that matches my skill set, and managed to brave through two processes with my broken leg. Went through past issues and was given some hope that they would be willing to overlook it.

Late November / Today: Should have heard back by now... I haven't. I have no new leads and barely able to move with the healing leg. I cannot bring myself to go through my past history again, I cannot bring myself to sift through my email again.

I cry every night, I lie to my kids and tell them that Daddy is okay, I say and try to believe its okay, its not. We have a couple months at best before we are out of money and no longer can live in our home. We have some financial help, but I cannot put my family in such debt without hope, and I cannot rely on families that have so little to spare as it is. I feel like a failure in everything that I do. I feel worthless and useless which is only made worse spending 95% of my day on my back in bed. My wife is not used to this level of involvement and work and has already been cracking. She is short with the kids, with me, and with herself. She has little control and is tired of hearing about the issues I am feeling. MY hope is almost 0, and I don't know what to do.

I want a job, I want to work, I want to do well in my profession. I don't want to a mistake to overwrite all the years that I gave 100% of myself to work. I always overachieved and never settled for what was just enough. I have always worked hard, and always strive to make those around me happy. I'm the guy that wants to learn and excel, the guy that is happy Monday morning because I have / had a job to be thankful for. I was the first in / last out and would check in with the team during the night to make sure things were okay.

I can't do any of that now. All I do is lay here and cry when Im alone. During the day I put on my happy mask and play with my kids and do what I can do give them a good day. I pray and beg to God nightly for hope, for a sign, a message, for a job. Yet everyday I holding back the tears and feelings for worthlessness.

Yes, there is a chance I may still get this job... but my hope is so low and expectation of failure is so high that I already believe the negative outcome in my mind.

Please pray for my family that we can overcome this... that my wife can handle her extra responsibilities and handle her challenges better, please pray that I can overcome this depression. Please pray that I can at least look at my children / family on Christmas day and be happy with how little I can provide for them.

Please just I need some spiritual help.