So many thoughts running through my head... I hate my job I do. It's not a bad job and the people aren't bad; the customers aren't bad either nor are the tasks hard to get done but I hate my job and I have no reason to, heck it even pays more than my other job but there's just nothing in it for me honestly I'd just quit if I didn't need the money.

I have applications in at other places but haven't heard back from them yet and I've called and gone to those places to introduce myself.

The class load I have is an easy class load yet still I find I'm letting stuff fall through the cracks and I thank God for my education professor she has to be the sweetest and most understanding lady I've ever met. My geology professor is well really impersonal, that's not to say he wouldn't take an interest if I took the initiative to talk to him but I'm letting that class slip...

It feels like I'm trying to hold on to something that I can't hold onto but I don't really know what or well rather don't want to know.... All right I know, I'm trying to hold onto my childhood. I want so badly to be able to feel safe and have one good stable month well I would settle for a stable week in my life.

I'm a Christian yeah. So I want to do something more in my life than work towards a mediocre existence I want to do work that matters... No no I want to do work that really matters. I want to do work where I'm keeping others safe I want to do work where I'm making lives drastically better than they are now I want to have a positive effect on those I come into contact with and yes if someone should be open to it I would like to share what a relationship with God is like and if they are willing I'd like them to become a believer like I am...

A relationship with God is an experience unlike any other. It's one of the hardest most difficult ways to live you can imagine and no it's not because there are rules it's not because there are things that you have to do. It's because there are things you want to do things you need to do for God but you can't see any way to do them because there seems to be something always standing in the way and most of the time it's yourself....

God wants you for you help doesnt want you trying to follow all of these rules that comes later, a relationship with God is a transformation but it's a perpetual one. You're constantly changing and growing when you're walking with God. The danger is when you get too comfortable where you are and become stagnant... That's where I'm at right now and I want to serve I want to do all I can but I feel constantly like I'm failing and that's another part of what makes a relationship with God so hard.

So why do I stay a christian? Why do I continue in my walk with God. There are multiple reasons and most of them have to do with a comfort zone. Is it because I've come to far to give up... I want to say yes but no not really I'm only 22. Is it because I was raised to believe this way? Partly yes. Is it because a majority of my friends and family believe this way? Again partly yes.

But the main reason is because I told God that I conciously chose to have a relationship with him. I said "God all of my life I've been brought up to believe in you. I have my firends and family who believe in you. And today right here and now I want to conciously and on my own I want to say that I choose you that I don't want it to be because that's just how I was raised I want it to be because I want it and not because anyone else wants it for me." That's why I continue to stay a Christian that's why I don't run to another religion that's why I don't just stop believing in anything. Because I made a concious choice that I wanted to make.

Why did I want to make that choice? So many reasons so very many reasons. I've seen God at work I've seen him do things that just aren't believable sometimes. Ive had a difficult childhood I've had things just come and hit me in the face. I was suicidal for a while and I run into bouts of that today even every now and then but God kept me alive. He gave me hope. A reason to live.

My issue though is what I want to happen what I want to be able to do to serve God and have that positive impact on others I can't make it happen I don't have the means I don't have the time nor do I have the money....

The biggest thing to me is time... You know to God time is nothing he lives outside of it and he can be anywhere and everywhere and everywhen.... Now I'm just rambling. Anyways thanks for listening.