My friends and family are religious but im not 100% sure if I am. I’ve never been a regular at church and none of my family or friends really are either. I want to believe but only for my own selfish reasons, I only want to believe because the possibility of god being real and me going to hell is terrifying to me and I would like to see certain family and pets and friends after death. I also want to be a good person. I want to believe for more than myself reasons like I want to believe that I want to believe you know and idk I just feel lost and I have a fear of god smiteing me or my family or loved ones and have ocd and am constantly doing compulsions in my own head to prevent bad things from happening. I want to love god and be religious but it’s only for my selfish reasons and I wish that wasn’t the case. I tried reading the Bible but I was just very bored reading it and I want to live a good Christian life but it just seems boring I guess and I’m to lazy to get my license and drive to a church to talk about it with a priest and also to lazy to actually do research on my phone about this stuff but it just seems uninteresting to me and I feel really bad about that and I wish I wasn’t like the way I am. I sin and know it’s wrong to do and know that I should refrain from doing it and try to resist but I always end up doing it anyway and than pray for forgiveness but don’t really mean anything I say most of the time. I pray the same prayer that my family is safe every night but I don’t even know if I believe or not. I just feel so lost and I want to change I do but I’m to lazy and uninterested and I hate that about myself I really do. I question all the time if I believe in god or not and I can never really be honest with myself. I don’t want to be this way but I can’t be bothered to change it and I just desperately want help or advice.