So in 2016 I gave my life to Christ, and I was obedient and went all in 100%. Life was great, after about 4 years I slowly steered away. Then Covid hit and I lost all my family and lots of friends. Then I started trying to live life on my own understanding. My wife and I were swingers (more me than her) and I finally got to check off a few things on my bucket list about the lifestyle. Then life got really bad to where nothing went right and I actually hit rock bottom. For the first time in my life, (I’m 49), I got angry with God and felt like he hated me. I blamed everything on God and everyone around me for my life turning to trash. I had nothing left. So a couple of months ago I decided to follow Jesus again and ask for forgiveness and I felt uplifted again. So I did what I was supposed to do, which actually was the hardest thing for me to do. I erased my homemade porn videos from my phone and threw away all my circular cd’s and movies, just anything that didn’t glorify God. I wanted to be as pure as I could be. I’m actually still going through the process of de cluttering and the reason it’s taken me this long is because I had so much stuff. It would take a medium size crew to do it in a few days but since it’s just me and I work full time it’s taken a lot longer than I expected. Since I repented a couple months ago I have had to stay in the Word 24/7 because I don’t want even a single ounce of temptation or evil sneaking back in. Like I literally wake up and start praying, reading the Bible, playing Christian music in the background. It’s all I listen to all day long. I even go to sleep with my airbuds on listening to prayers. This second time around I’ve really learned a lot about theology and I study the word and I dig in deep. If it’s not about God, Jesus or the Bible I don’t touch it. I will admit I feel a thousand times better, I want to live again as to where a couple of months ago I wanted to die. If I had the courage to take my life I would have.

So deleting videos off my phone was extremely hard because It took a decade and a half to get my wife to agree to do these things on camera, to actually even do it all and to find other people willing to participate in these videos. What I’m trying to get at is that the last 10 days the memories and thoughts are starting to come back and it’s tearing me apart. I want to go back to that lifestyle but I know I can’t. I can’t be a Christian one week and a swinger the next week and back and fourth. And to add fuel to my desires people from my past and some from just a few months ago are starting to text me. And I know what it could lead up to. How convenient that these urges are getting stronger and stronger and now everyone is hitting me up. Even a new girl in my apartment was trying to talk to me a couple of days ago. And just fun fact, I don’t just talk to people, I go into action. I’ve always had this way of making people do things I want. But I’m not going to lie because God is all knowing, I still haven’t thrown away a few SD cards that have videos on them and I still haven’t thrown away some of my wife’s sexy leggings and lingerie. I feel like I need to just save them just in case I fall off or backslide again. I did erase videos off a girl that in my eyes was just drop dead beautiful with a porn stars body, I was the only one who had it and I’m the only one she has ever done anything X rated with so that made me feel some type of way. But I did it. And I feel like if I can do that I can delete or throw away anything but I’m struggling with that last duffel bag of pornography.

Please keep me prayers because I want to give up everything. I only want God’s heart.

Sorry if I was all over the place, I’m not good at telling stories or texting. God bless!!!

I’m afraid to make Christian friends because I’m afraid I’ll start crushing on the girls and try to make moves on them. So right now it’s just me, my Bible, my prayers on my knees and God.