All inclination I’ve had to even worship during service is just gone. I kind of stand there zoned out waiting for it to end. I’m attentive to scripture and kind of wish church was just preaching so I could go home earlier.

I’m absolutely tired of smiling when I don’t feel like smiling. Everything feels hollow and pointless and I just keep up the charade cause my father runs the place and I don’t want to be a jerk and ruin his image in some sort of way by being the son that would definitely rather be anywhere else on a Sunday morning.

Things like an altar call or going up for prayer or something all seem like placebos. I’ve gone through those things more times than I could count and things would look bright for two seconds before they end up being worse than they were before.

I’ve been sick of going for years if I’m honest. I don’t know what to do. Im kind of counting down until I’m independent and have my own place and money and car and can say goodbye to going to church for at least a long while.