There’s a woman in an organization I’m part of, who is my boss and superior (but is younger than me by one or two years), and my heart kind of flutters whenever I get a text from her.

I’m no longer working in the org but we’ve kept in touch since I graduated college a few weeks ago. It’s still been as very friendly coworkers, professional-type.

We’ve known each other for two years, but I haven’t made any moves because A) she’s a superior and I don’t want to risk destroying something good even if it isn’t exactly what I dream about, B) she’s definitely got more in the bank financially than I do, and I probably can’t afford the kind of dates that would win her over, and C) because I’m openly religious and she isn’t, I’m not sure how far we could get until I either compromise some things about what I believe or she gets tired of me.

Maybe this goes in a dating subreddit but idk. It just stings a bit more because I’m living back with my family, no job lined up, trying to hunker down and get to work on another creative project over the summer. It feels like triple layers of being isolated.

The church my fam goes to is a growing church plant, not many people I can really connect with at all, so not many people in my religion around me. No job so I’m pretty much at home all day keeping myself busy through LinkedIn connections, promoting myself and the movies I’ve done, and writing a new one. The friends I have, really really good friends who have made me glad I didn’t KMS four years ago, are only really accessible via text or phone call.

I guess this morphed into a small journal entry. Or maybe it’s a cry for help or advice or encouragement. God feels silent and nonexistent which is just even more discouraging. I can already feel restlessness and words of depression and self hate starting to seep back in. Today was really rough.

I’m about to watch an indie film called Sometimes I Think About Dying. I’m a Daisy Ridley fan since the new Star Wars trilogy, and I’m interested in a movie like this that’s just straight up about depression and not holding back. Gonna make a hot chocolate and maybe steal some graham crackers from the family pantry (wish me luck and pray against ants in my room please).

Hope you guys are doing well.