My life hasn’t been ideal. It hasn’t been the worst. Plenty of people have had it worse than me, but I’ve carried a lot of anger and resentment towards others and myself for how my life has unfolded. The details aren’t important.

What I will say is I grew up with a very religious Grandfather who would occasionally take me to church. I’ve never felt comfortable in church. I’ve always had an icky feeling about any church I’ve ever been in. I don’t enjoy talking to people about God who have an unwavering undeniable belief that he is real and speak about Christianity as an absolute fact. I expect that all to still remain true moving forward. I’m open to the idea it might not though.

What I will say is I started making a lot of changes. I started eating healthy, exercising, finding new hobbies and doing stuff everyday that I really love to do. I found meditation. I began to pray. NDE videos starting showing up on my timeline, and I’ve now watched over 100 of these near death experience videos and I’m pretty convinced now that this is not the end. It’s given me a lot of comfort lately and a weightlessness that I’ve never felt.

I’m not saying I believe in God, yet. I’m not a Christian, yet. What I will say is I bought a bible. I’m excited to read it and learn. I will also say any moment my heart has allowed the idea of God/Jesus being real in for even a moment, I have felt a warm sense of love that I genuinely can’t explain. As someone who has laughed in the face of their being an afterlife growing up, and the idea of God/Jesus, this is all very weird to me.

I started praying for forgiveness, patience, love, compassion, health, others, and it feels a lot better than how I used to sarcastically ask any god for material things that I wanted as if I deserved it. As if any higher being would owe me that.

I feel good, and I feel different. I do feel at times as if something is with me before that hasn’t been with me in the past. It’s nice.