I tried to find ways around writing this. Last night I did something related to my lust addiction that made me feel physically weird and lost. Like I felt repulsed physically, and I haven’t been able to shake the feeling all day.

The last time I got this kind of feeling was when I realized I need to end a very very unhealthy relationship. Also on a Monday, a few months ago. I fasted and stopped communication with that person for a week and then cut it off that Saturday.

With this it feels like a blow of conviction to leave Reddit other apps in order to do a huge cut against lust and porn and sexting and stuff.

I am honestly really really scared. I have an incredibly intense sex drive; I’m not sure if it’s a coping mechanism against depression, a hypersexual disorder thanks to scarring stuff in my childhood/teenage years, or what, but I do know it also comes out of a longing for touch and spending time with someone.

I know my body and heart long to be close to someone, and I’ll admit that indulging in lustful things helps numb the pain so I can focus and function during the day. It’s like a crutch. And I am so so scared of going cold turkey.

Same time I know my mind isn’t all right or even fully repentant. I know the only reason I’m still a virgin is because I haven’t met someone in-person who likes me enough to want to take it. I’d probably jump and say yes if someone I liked asked for sex, and I know that’s not a good thing. My brain and heart are covered in gunk and screwed up, and I’m scared to change it. Every time I’ve gone cold turkey or tried to get better it’s either backfired or been so painful I fail.

I hate my body and this stupid drive and my mind. I’m tired of fighting and being in pain day in and day out. I wish God would rip this from me. I don’t want this anymore.