4 years ago divorced my wife of 20 years with 3 kids. I tried life groups, me, women , and couple studies. We even did the love dare challenge. We finally decided that our kids were seeing the worst of us together and I'd rather have them see better versions apart. About a year later I reconnected with a highschool sweetheart who literally just went through the same thing. We love bombed each other, like fell hard and talked of marriage and everything. Within 6 months she decided to get back with her ex. I was devastated. Within a few months I ran into another old friend and same thing. We started talking and fell hard for each other. She was still married though, we never physically cheated till separation but definitely emotionally cheated. We were so in love, I never experienced a love like this and we were genuinely friends. Somehow things got lost and I couldn't control my reactions to my emotions and I was mean and pushed her away constantly. This woman fought so hard for me. I lost my job and things spiralled, she has stuck with me and supported me but I continue to just be miserable and I wasn't fun to be around. On my birthday I acted out and in a jealous rage I called her friend some hurtful names. He is the nicest guy and has cerebral palsy. I let the alcohol and my own gears and insecurities take over. She broke up with me and has cut all communication. I heard that a week later she was dating some guy. I recently lost both my parents, my job, 2 grandparents, marriage and only see my kids Thursday and every other weekend. She is and always will be the love of my life, she was undoubtedly the one, my soulmate. I'm 43 years old and have never felt or said that. I ruined it and I literally pretended to poop multiple times at work so I can sob. How do I cope? Don't want this world anymore. My kids are my life and they deserved her. I'm sorry rant over