So yeah, I’ve posted here before, I’ve been struggling a lot. Badly.

A formal is happening next week, and I was debating with myself about asking a Methodist girl I know if she wanted to be my date to it. Because I’ve been struggling and hurting so much, I kind of felt unworthy to ask.

I told myself, if I see her on campus today, not even interact with her, if I can just see her in the distance, I’ll take it as a sign to ask her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t.

And I quietly hoped and prayed I’d see her, and I did, in the distance while I was at my campus job. Recognized her ponytail and posture, no other girl I know has either the way she does. So I sent her a message on Instagram (don’t have her number). A few hours later she gets back to me that she can’t make it due to being booked to perform in a concert, but she said “I appreciate you more than you know!”

And then she voluntarily gave me her number. A few texts later, I finally scheduled a lunch date with her after two semesters of fighting my own anxiety and waiting for a good time to ask in person.

Here’s where I notice it was strange. Legit every single time I was scrolling through Instagram today, I was constantly getting anti-corn ads on my feed. Counseling, books, Christian accounts, sometimes two or three back to back.

Then I open Instagram this morning and the very first post is a story about a man who struggled with it through marriage and his firstborn son until he got help and ended up creating a program to help other men fight it.

Yesterday I was very occupied with work and running on two hours of sleep but I’m just now seeing that falls in line with the pattern of how God tends to “communicate” with me. It’s always a pattern, repetition of a subject matter or person. Like a movie, the very thing I study.

And now I’ve got this voice in the back of my head telling me I have to go on a super purge and find a way to get better as fast as possible.

First off, I’m already freaking scared of a date because I’m so used to being alone and this kind of thing happening in a daydream. Second, I am very very scared of doing a purge. All that gunk has unfortunately become a backbone, especially for detaching myself from work or “relieving” stress.

Maybe I’m reading too much into “God talking to me” aspect, I don’t know. I am happy and very very anxious.