we are in our 30s we been together for 10 years total. I look back and i think I really haven't been a good wife. he wanted for me to live my life. I procrastinated didn't get help for my adhd kept smoking my life away. during when we were dating my husband cheated on me. that fucked me up more than I knew... ever since I have been obsessing over her checking on her socials comparing myself for years. I couldn't shake it off and went off having one night's with two guys. I said bunch of things out of hatred of the affair and my husband found out 7 about it years later... as I got caught talking to random men online and playing with lovense sex toys. I don't know since when I kept comparing to her even taking pictures like her to compare and I idolized her. She entertained sexually online and I wanted to be her I even went as tonthink of my husband having sex with her and it aroused me and messed me up at the same time I also confessed to my husband about It although I'm not sure I was able to explain it well enough. He is disgusted with me and feels too betrayed as he was the only love of my life but now that he found out I've been with other man he is disgusted with me. I really do feel like I would die without him. I've never loved anyone but him. However, I don't know when I became so dark and numb I didn't do anything beside him and I have no clue how I did that... I want to make changes to myself and work on this marriage however he doesn't want to. However, he said the only way it would explain and for me to be able to not be so sorry would be to have a threesome and if I'm that much a of slut that he would just understand I'm his slut. To be honest I know as a Christian it's against it. If it makes him to trust me more or to better our marriage to become better people and pass through this storm I really don't have a problem doing so. Losing him I know I will lose myself. What can I do? I want to make him feel better and treat the wound I've made him. I wish I had never done so. I can't turn back time but I really want to work on myself and our marriage how could I possibly be able to turn him back... would I even be able to? He says he waited for Me 10 years to save us but I kept dragging him and even if he tried that I never did. I know we can be good to each other if I just pick myself up and work on myself. How can I do this with him slowly leaving me talking to other women. Asking me to find a women to have threesome with . I know he is doing this as he is trying to build confidence for himself. He feels that he would not be able to trust anyone in the world. I feel so sad that I'm the one who made him feel this way. I want to fix this but need any wise women's advice to be able to lead this marriage to a better way. Please don't tell me to give up. I wouldn't be asking for advice if I thought ot giving up. Thank you. tl;Dr