I got married to my wife 33 yrs ago. Before that I talked to pastors/ counselors about my porn habits. I just couldn't stop and the guilt and hatred of myself was overwhelming. While dating my wife she knew and would watch with me and we would get each other off. I thought getting married would fix me. I was wrong.

As she realized how big my problem was she started pulling away. I liked going to porn arcades as to not bring things home and since she thought I wasn't involved in this stuff things would get better between us. However, she didn't want sex as often as I needed it and she would give oral anymore. I love going down on her but no reciprocating.

10 yrs into marriage I started letting other men please me orally at the arcades. I told myself it's just masturbation.

With depression and anxiety setting in I went to a counselor again and told everything. She (counselor) advised to come clean to my wife if I ever expected to heal our marriage so I did. I wish I never said anything.

We've talked divorce but it would tear her apart so I told her that we won't bring it up anymore. She was afraid of being alone forever and we do love each other. We're best friends. Now as we're older there's things she can't physically do for herself. Has a hard time walking, using stairs, and can't be on her feet much. I can't leave her now even if I wanted to.

I've talked to her about letting me do my thing with others and obviously she's not down with that so once again I find myself cheating.

I don't know what I want from readers here but felt this is a good place to post.