Here's an essay, where I share what I'm yearning for: "My Pile of Feathers"

I want to find a man and have a relationship with him that feels like rest.

Peace, yes. But also rest. Long day? Grueling schedule? Ups and downs? But rest always. Mutual acceptance. Mutual evolving. Growing together but always rest. To consider each other, the other's hiding place. A sacred soft and gentle spot. A place where you would run to if you were a child or store your favourite toy. A rest that gives you the deepest sleep and lets you dream vivid dreams. We are each other's pile of feathers.

I know I need there to be empathy, fairness, integrity, grace and kindness. But I've come to feel that in this world, filled with pain, uncertainty, strife and all sorts, a relationship that feels like it helps me exhale and inhale is all I want. One in which, all the rushing stops like the calm in the eye of a storm, and we're holding each other as the world implodes. Like an anchor, staying rooted where it's planted...

And if you are who I'm looking for... then I have a confession to make:

I cry thinking I'll never meet you or worse, we did and one of us messed it up. I was immature, you were unavailable? I said something stupid. You had the audacity to hear it. We picked our individual selves over a possible us. I think about the decades already gone and the time left in which we could find each other. If we do, will we stare too long at our differences or will we risk it?

And if we risk it, will we be kind? Or will our anxieties, unrealistic expectations, habits, "frictiony" traits be what undoes us? Will we be strong enough to exercise patience and grace for our inevitable failings? Will we focus on the flaws and allow their wonders to fade right before us? Will we choose each other every day or one day decide it isn't worth it at all?

If I have to stop looking for you - forgive me. If I had found you - I would have chosen you every day, for the rest of our lives.