I’ve seen quite a few people on the sub make the claim that things like sexual sin supposedly open doorways to demons that specialize in keeping oppressed by and trapped in sexual sin.

I know yall see people going in depth about their stories and all that pretty much all the time here so I’ll keep it short. Sexual abuse via parents, rampant porn addiction since 12, addiction to sexting people, shame-fueled self harm and suicidality, now in perpetual undiagnosed and unmedicated depression with a side of being addicted to sexting online and going on 12 years of porn masturbation addiction.

I’ve had every verse and article about saving sex for marriage burned into my eyes. I’ve followed it, haven’t actually done anything in person and physical with someone despite having opportunities and texts to come over to someone’s apartment, but the more time that passes the more I despise those commandments and verses and the more bitter and disgusted I grow towards pretty much all married people.

I acknowledge I willingly talk to people online to get a semblance of intimacy, which is wrong. I acknowledge my brain is very fried and many of you might say I’m nowhere near fit to be a husband and recommend like 20 years of being a monk and doing nothing but reading the Bible and making Gregorian chants my entire personality. I’m not posting this to hear you bash me or what I continue to do on a daily.

I’m looking for the cure.

I know exactly what I’m doing wrong and I can probably write a 10 page paper on my mistakes, but the gist is, it’s only getting worse. It’ll either end with me finally letting loose and sleeping around all I want, or ending my life alone somewhere later down the line. I want God, and all this fulfillment and happiness people they say they get from him. I’ve never had it. Maybe a few tastes of it here and there, maybe a few glimpses in the form of real Christian people. But I don’t know what existence itself can be like without all this garbage. I’ve tried the worship and calling to God and following commandments (I finally got good money from a work gig and tithed for the first time in months yesterday, woo), and even going to bed crying and begging for God to fix and change me. To eradicate the perpetual loneliness I’m in or to send a person to fill the void. I’ve only gotten nothing.

Yeah, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I stay busy. No one sees me as a creep, I’m in a fraternity, got a bachelor’s degree in film production, I’m good at it, I’ve been on a few dates here and there, I’ve never denied Christ in public, I’ve never dishonored my father or mother in the eyes of the church (dad is a minister) despite how much I loathe them.

I’ve tried the calling on God. The fasting. The gratitude, the altar calls, all of it. And where everyone says I’ll get to encounter God’s presence or the Holy Spirit or something, I’ve found nothing. I’m heartbroken by it, if I’m honest. I want to throw in the towel.

If I’m spiritually oppressed or there’s a wall or some sort of blockage seriously blocking me from transformation and a cure to all of this, how do I find it out and get rid of it? What do I have to do to make sure that next week I’m a completely different person? To not have this empty void in my chest and soul that hurts so, so badly?