Sometimes i just need to get this of my chest, or to talk about it.

I think I have a trauma I don't know sometimes I just don't want to believe it.

But sometimes flashbacks come back because something triggers me and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, I don't know where to start so I just tell what pops into my head.

My parents were married and I have a brother with multiple disabilities who needed more attention than me. My parents weren't doing well financially, so we all lived in my grandmother's house. because I grew up with my grandmother I called her mother.

One of my first memories was that I once saw my grandmother trying to strangle my mother, I think I was 8 years old and I remember screaming at my grandmother and saying "Mommy please let her go" to which my grandmother yelled at me “I am not your mother” I still remember how much it hurt me, afterwards my mother was okay. In addition, my grandmother clearly had her favorite grandchildren and it was not me, I never felt good enough.

In addition, when I was 10 I was sexually abused child on child more often, I think it took a number of years before it was stopped. I remember when my grandmother and mother went to that one cousin I started crying hysterically just crying that it was actually just worrying and not normal I never wanted to go but still my feelings were put aside and I was dramatic I had to and had to go with them. (they had no idea what was happening in that house, but I often wonder if they thought it was normal for a child to react like that? not even asking why I didn't want to go).

I also started hyperventilating at the age of 11, another memory I can still remember was when I was 11 and me and my parents and brother spend the night with an aunt, when I was very little I liked it, but as I have i watched my aunt overdose with her eyes rolling. (my aunt drank a lot and used pills, I didn't dare touch anything in that house) i hated that house and every time i went out i was happy but the moment i got close to the house i started hyperventilating, i wouldn't eat, i couldn't sleep in that house. that one day I even begged to go to my grandma's house for the night, (I think I had a trauma bond with my grandma, weird to think but I don't know what to make of our bond).

I do remember then that I was with my grandmother and that my health was better there.

I do think i have trauma because everyday i daydream about bad things happening to me, and that I’m saved by someone. I think cause I wasn’t really protected as a child.

At the end of the day i most of the time daydream about bad things happening to me and being saved, and sometimes it’s just hard, as today i cried most of the time today.

I really don’t know how to cope in a healthy way, I always daydream trough out the day but when it comes to realization I’m so sad, i feel so empty, I just don’t know how to deal with this.

Thank you for taking your time to read this.