I was diagnosed with HSV-2 this past summer. I was first introduced to sex as a late teenager by my then girlfriend who was extremely attractive. After we broke up (after 4 years), I went on a sexual rampage. I racked up a lot of partners. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I continued to indulge. I take full responsibility for my actions, but I also know that my behaviour was a product of my past relationship which was very toxic. The broken heart I suffered at the end triggered this chain of events.

I knew I had to stop, but when I got diagnosed with HSV-2, it was too late. I’m stuck with this curse forever. I went right to my priest and confessed. I started going to church, struggling to find meaning. I have good days and bad days. The bad days feel like a giant cloud hanging over my head that I can’t shake. Even if I’m not consciously thinking about it, it’s there, in the back of my head. I feel so much shame, so much guilt. How could I be so stupid. I just want a chance to love again. I was one of the last people I know to lose my virginity, and ironically I’m the one that started sleeping around when others started settling down. I wish I could have a second chance, but I know I’ll never have it. No prayer or confession can change that.

I guess I’m just venting, but I’m looking for guidance. I’ve explored my faith a lot in recent years, even leading up to this most recent diagnosis. The last 3 years of my life have been hell. I’m only 28 years old, and I underwent a major spinal surgery last year. Bad backs run in my family. I suffered from excruciating nerve pain because of it. When I first started having back problems, I started to explore my faith. I learned that my suffering might have meaning. I read about Job, and how he still praised God despite his misfortune. I seemed to have found meaning. And then, I was dealt this card. I just feel so broken, empty, hopeless, worthless, and defeated. I used to believe that no matter what I did, it would all workout and unfold the way it was supposed to. But now I’m struggling to make sense of this. Perhaps thinking that everything happens for a reason is a narcissistic and conceited way of thinking? I began questioning whether life is just a random set of events. After all, we believe that we have free will, so I suppose it has to be random. I don’t know. I’m struggling mentally. There’s no escape from this.