I've spent the majority of my quarantine in solitude. In the process of getting comfortable with the 'new normal', I've lost touch with a lot of friends. I got old flames that reached out, an online friend that I haven't talked to in years messaged me out of the blue, and I managed to make a few constants on reddit in the past 4 or so months.

But it's 1AM and I felt the urge of contacting a friend, and the sudden realization dawned on me, that I don't really have anyone I could talk to right now. Or at least anyone I'm comfortable with. I ghosted this guy I've been talking to for months because we didn't seem to click anymore, somehow ALL of the online friends I've made during quarantine don't reach out or message me, they seem to have ghosted me too, and for whatever reason it is, I will never understand. The guys I used to like seemed to only message me out of loneliness (which I noticed happens to a lot of people during quarantine), I haven't reached out to any of my IRL friends either, and I don't really have any excuse for that except for, I'm a recluse and I go through shit that results in pushing people away.

Lately I've only been messaging and talking to randoms on reddit, and I have to be honest, it's made me even lonelier than I already am. I kind of miss hanging out with my college best friend, we'd talk our problems away, drink and smoke to our sorrows, and honestly that was enough for me. I didn't have to worry about my lack of connections with people, I didn't have to worry about messaging her when I needed my go-to buddy, but with the pandemic happening, I feel as if things have changed.

I miss talking to people, I miss nights out with my best friend, I miss getting shitfaced, I miss commuting during early mornings, I miss sleeping over, I miss the awkward/sexual tensions I'd have with guys at bars, I miss talking to guys, I miss worrying if I'd have enough money to buy another pack of cigarettes, I miss going to college, I miss talking to my classmates. I miss the life that I used to have... And this is all coming from an anxiety-ridden introvert.

It wasn't much but I was getting somewhere. I feel like things would be different right now if it wasn't for the pandemic. Maybe I'm just talking my heart out, maybe I'm just lonely. But, god, I miss the people. I miss life. And it sucks knowing that I've gotten way too comfortable with solitude that it's going to take me a long time to adjust to how things used to be.