Kinda messed up, noh? Like, who gets mad at someone for dying? But that's how I feel. Hindi naman lagi, pero most days ganito. It's not like I don't miss him. I miss him every damn day. Pero may galit talaga na I can't seem to shake off.

Ang bobo kasi nun, puta. Siga kasi mag-motor. Ilang beses ko na siyang sinabihan na mag-ingat, but he just laughed it off like he always did. Kaya nga hindi ako umaangkas doon, eh. And now here I am, angry at him for something he didn't even want to happen.

Nung nalaman ko yung accident, hindi ako umiyak. Not at the funeral, not in the weeks after, not even now. Wala ba akong pake? I don't think so. Ang bigat nga ng pakiramdam sa dibdib ko, eh. But the tears? They just wouldn't come.

At the funeral, everyone was breaking down. His mom, our friends, even strangers na hindi naman niya gaano kakilala. And me? Parang wala lang. Nakatunganga. It wasn’t because I wanted to be "tough" or anything. It was just... nothing would come out. I was numb, but at the same time, everything hurt.

Last week, I went to see Tita (his mom). I brought her sans rival, her favorite cake. The same one he used to get for her on special occasions. Nag-thank you siya at nagsabing, “Nag-abala ka pa!” Mas naging close kami ni Tita. When she saw me, she hugged me so tight it felt like she didn’t want to let go. Nakakadurog makita si Tita. I just know she's carrying the same weight I am, but even heavier.

Galit ako. Ang unfair. Ayoko na rin sa motor ngayon. It’s not logical, I know. It’s just where my brain goes.

And the thing is, I don’t know how to let this out. Sabi ng iba, “Iiyak mo lang ’yan,” but what do you do when the tears don’t come? How do you grieve when everything feels stuck inside you?

How do you cope when you feel like you’re failing at grieving? How do you find closure?

I don’t know if there’s a right answer. But maybe talking about it is a start. I guess that’s why I’m here, trying to use Reddit to start writing. Baka pag sinulat ko it will help me figure things out, or at least make sense of what I’m feeling.