"I touch the world not as myself but as an echo of who I was. Can you hear me yet? Can you read me Ma?"

Loosing myself as I grow up. I forgot who I was or who I used to be. Im just a product of my environment, a reflection of how people treated me. Am I a good person down my core? I grew up trying to be exactly what they expected from me, I forgot that I am a different person. I am myself. No one owns me and I will never be happy if I let them hold the pen to write who I should be. I'm sorry mama, I can't be who you were supposed to be. I will never be the person you lost when you had me.

I feel like I'm an anomaly. Out of place in my own tiny world.

I really don't know why I feel like this. But I know that every one will benefit if I never existed in the first place. To cease in existing will do harm, but to not be born at all is a life changer for everyone.

Dear ma, I know you had me not bacause you wanted me but bc you needed me. I am an intent, or maybe an accident. Maybe you used me to ground a guy and make him stay in order for you to survive. You love someone, but he is not what you need nor provide it. It's about necessities. You in a foreign land with no one to lean on. Sometimes, strong woman need to rest their bones too.

You didn't think much when you did it. It never occurred to you that you are not ready in every aspect, emotional physical and financial. But u did your best to provide the thing that was given to nurture you but never in emotional way. A cycle of trauma and abuse was set the day you had me.