I was very close with my mom. She passed away too suddenly in the hospital almost two weeks ago due to cancer and multiple other complications. The last few months of her life was rough, and it took a toll on my already deteriorating mental and physical health. I cried every day yet I stayed by her side and sacrificed my work. I chose her over everything else even though I was exhausted, anxious and constantly losing sleep, yet I was also losing her, too fast.

She was the light of my life, and a constant reminder that everything was going to be okay. She accepted me despite my flaws, took me under her wing when I was lost. I even remember the night I came out to her, she just hugged me while I cried in her arms. She comforted me through my lowest points of being bound to my home due to my anxiety disorder, took the time to understand my illness and always held my hand whenever I was going through a panic attack, or anything really.

No one is going to hold my hand anymore. I'm fighting the urge to text her 'I miss you' on messenger and to go through all of our memories together because it's all still so fresh, and painful.

I find myself slowly detaching myself from everybody else, even my partner who has been so supportive even though I'm not the best person for her. Even typing this right now is taking too much out of me. I don't know how else I can express myself anymore. The only clear solace right now seems to be death, and I'm terrified.

Ma naman, bakit mo kasi ako iniwan agad. Sobrang miss na miss na miss na kita.