I’m a floater. I always have been. I was never a part of a group, I knew one person here and another there. It was enough to get me invited to the occasional hang out or party, but I was always the odd one out and I hated it. The fourth friend walking behind the group on the side walk. I was always the one reaching out, the one making an effort just to be included. Never was I someone’s first choice in relationships or friendships. I always knew that if I ever stopped reaching out to the people I hung out with, that I would most likely never see them again. Eventually though I came to terms with this and thought “Well this is just my lot in life and it could be worse I suppose. I should just appreciate the few people I do have in my life.” Those few included my then-girlfriend who was like a lifeline to me, but she lived 2 hours away. Then COVID happened. My relationship of nearly 2 years fell apart. I stopped seeing the people I was friendly with because we weren’t in school and my workplace was closed. I haven’t been hugged or really touched anyone at all in months. I haven’t had a nice word or have someone reach out to me just to see how I’m doing this entire time. And it’s really draining me. I feel so empty and alone all the time. I’m so sick of feeling like this and I really don’t understand why my life is this way. I feel like I’m a kind enough person, I offer my help or my ear to anyone who needs it, even if they only talk to me when they need my help. I try to be generous with both my time and money. I also feel like I’m not a terribly boring person either. I like to think I do exciting things, I have interesting hobbies (or at least I think they’re interesting), diverse interests, I like to travel and just be outside. It’s not like I’m a shut-in or recluse, is my point. I enjoy people and being with them. For some reason, that enjoyment doesn’t seem to be mutual. It just makes me sad and kind of angry that I’ve felt this deep seated loneliness and dealt with these issues my entire life and things don’t seem to ever change, no matter how hard I try. I’m just at my wits end. All I want is a few people to count on, to truly call my friends. The kind of people I can call up and just go for a coffee or a walk in the park with. Someone to just keep each other company. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask, right?

“I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.” - Michael Scott

P.S. Thank you to those that sorted by new and read my depressed rant. I hope you’re surviving this quarantine the best you can and are wearing your masks when you go outside. Best of luck to everyone in everything they do. I know you can do it. Be the person Uncle Iroh knows you can be. If anyone needs anything, a friend, an ear to rant to to, or some advice, I’d be happy to be my best to provide. Feel free to comment or PM me :) I wish you all, all the best.