https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/12/01/carolyn-hax-daughter-in-law-hoarder/

Writer describes the consumerism habit, never donating, culling, or throwing anything out, etc. excess food bought and shoved away by her DIL "Mary"... and she is reluctant to say anything because the DIL is the reason why she is back in the son's life, but she is noticing the kids are reluctant to part with stuff too. They are not wealthy and the houses has needed repairs that are put off.

Reader 1: Sounds like my DIL, minus the pets. She's a lovely person and tries, it just isn't in her to be organized. I just keep my lip zipped and invite you to consider if you were estranged from your son because you were too blunt before. The key is: are they happy and healthy? If yes, keep silent and just close your eyes.

Reader 2: I can see my family in this. Heck, add one child, lizard, etc. and I could be Mary herself. Do I want that pointed out to me? NO. Is my husband clueless? HAH. He contributes to the clutter just as much. I have tons of blankets given to me by others. My kids have tons of toys which they will outgrow and will be donated then. My husband is disorganized and has multiple tools-- and I won't organize his stuff for him not to keep it up. So if he buys a new hammer, etc. then I let him. We are cluttered, yes, but not a health hazard. We clean, do dishes, wash clothes and care for pets. Someday the kids will be gone and we'll downsize. For now, we're happy with the clutter.

Reader 3: Is the house so full it's dangerous, without a fire exit from each room? Are the rooms so cluttered they cannot be used for their purpose? Such as no place to sit, no place to do homework? Is the house being cleaned? Pets cared for? If these aren't problems, leave them alone. You might help find expired food and dispose of it, that's it. Considering your relationship with your son is fragile, leave them alone until there is danger. And even so, you can approach it specifically: pet waste, spoiled food, trapped in emergency, and kids doing poorly in school.

Reader 4: Don't contribute to the problem. Give experiences and outings as gifts. If you can afford it, offer to pay for contractors for the house repairs. Build strong and warm relationship with everyone in the household. Only then might you broach questions about the stuff-- the grandkids, then son and Mary. Only open-ended questions. No unsolicited advice or judgment.

Reader 5: Where is your son in this and how does he feel? It's possible you've taken it on yourself to meddle before. Get in where you fit in-- offer help, not critique.

Reader 6: Unless it's a physical endangerment issue, you're best off doing nothing. Relationship ahead of opinions. Wait for opportunities to help.