Nick's Cartoon: Wistful redhead woman reaches out to something off-screen.

(Adapted from Jun 12, 2020 discussion.)

LW: How can I mend the rift between us (me and my next-oldest sister) and my adopted siblings? They felt our parents favored us, especially me as the oldest, and I took care of my dad for 5 years he gave me his life insurance, leading to a legal wrangle, which went in my favor, which they thought was unfair. They severed all communications 2 years ago and won't reply to any texts, calls, etc. I'd show up at their door but they live far away.

Hax: Set aside the money issue for a second, since it's reasonable it was meant as recompense to you. Were your adopted siblings right they showed favoritism overall to their bio kids? If so, you cannot reconcile with them unless you acknowledge this fact. If you think they're wrong, they still need you to hear them out. You don't know how they perceived and felt things growing up. Now, they're not contacting you so you can't chat about this. But you could try a letter.

Alas, that legal fight may have poisoned things past mending. Either way, don't show up at their doorstops.

Reader 1: Mom treated me like (expletive), and adored my brother. He was SURE I was wrong and wouldn't see it until she aged and her facade dropped. LW may not have seen it simply because they hid it. But it's time to look back.

Reader 2: Please read up on being adopted into a family that already has biological kids. There could be hypersensitivity to favoritism by adopted kids, true, but also could be a lot of unconscious favoritism going on, too. Understanding might help you when they want to talk.

Reader 3: I have this problem with a sibling who wants to be close to me AND have me reinforce her blinders to the family dynamics and salve her guilt. Sometimes we just need out of other people's narratives.

Reader 4: They don't want you in their lives. Accept it, leave them alone.

ME: Many families sour over legal/money fights after parents die. Money doesn't make up for loss of love, but it is often the final token, the last chance to feel a connection, in grief. So things can take on outsize importance. 2 years is um.. I'm not sure it's enough time for this to cool down. Try a full year before reaching out again. I know it hurts. In the meanwhile, do some thinking and reviewing of old photos to jog your memory.

Be open-minded. Remember, we're all individuals and sometimes it can feel harder to mesh into some family dynamics than others, even for bio kids, just due to temperamental differences. Imagine how it is for adopted siblings, even if they were there from birth. If they always felt less favored, imagine how hard it is for them for you to not acknowledge it, and for you to sound just like your parents when you tell them not to be silly or whatever bromides they used.

So you're going to have to have insights that you don't. I'm not saying how they treat you and your sister was fair to either of you, but that you couldn't have discussed this together like adults before going to court does not bode well, either. So... don't chase. Take a year or two to grieve your parents. Then maybe try that letter or call.

Pandemic can bring a lot of things in focus or out of focus. Only they know if it's worth it, emotionally, for them to try and stay in touch. It sounds like they may have deeper wounds than you know. Are you emotionally aware and open enough to deal with their truth without defending your family's memory?