Carolyn Hax: Friend dredges up old wrongs every time they fight

(Link above and also: https://wapo.st/3At2XOR ) Sorry, it is October 9, not 8. Midnight typing will do that to ya.

LW: Every time I and this friend fight-- which isn't often, but generally significant when it happens-- this friend brings up all the times I've "wronged" them in the past. I use quotes because some, really my fault, some not, but I apologized for anyway. How many times must I apologize before it gets through-- if it ever will?

Hax: probably won't ever get through, but that's not the part of the problem you should own.

What you should do is just stop apologizing for anything you already apologized for in the past. Instead when past wrongs come up, ask questions: "you may recall I apologized for that already. Did you believe I wasn't sincere. Is this an open issue?"

In short, attack the root: make your friend say yes, you did sincerely apologize, closing the issue, or if they claim you weren't sincere, say "Sorry to hear that. Don't know how you can stay friends with me, believing I'd lie to you like that." Time to bring them a reckoning on constantly weaponizing the past against you. Doesn't speak well of them, incidentally.Also, your reckoning should be on why you're putting up with this. If you choose to do, then say calmly "If you're genuinely still upset about all these disagreements, please let me know what you would need from me to put these to rest." Don't budge, don't apologize.

If they don't give it to you straight or say they're over that stuff, then you ask them never to rehash old grievances the next time they're upset because it's not productive and in turn you won't rehash old peeves at them. An argument can recur only if you keep showing up for it.

Me: Holy--- Hax's advice is good, but that presupposes this person doesn't know she's mudslinging whenever she's melting down at you.

To me, this is abusive haranguing and you would be wise to set firm boundaries against it, now.

You say every time you fight is rare, but significant. Either your friend is very aggressive, or your friend is naturally conflict-avoidant until so emotional that it is unavoidable: everything comes spilling out because your friend is angry enough to hurt you any way. It can be both, actually. Some people simply lack conflict resolution skills because of how they were modelled growing up.

My question would be this: does your friend tell you immediately when they dislike/are unhappy with something, or is it more a week, a month later?

The problem with waiting to vent annoyance is that the emotions build up and an apology is no longer enough since they've ruminated on it some already, etching into their memories. This friend clearly remembers everything, some minor and some made-up that got you to apologize.

If your friend were writing in, I would suggest some serious therapy and assertiveness training. But your friend is not, just you.

So I do say, stop apologizing. You are ok to say "Why do you bring that old stuff up after I already apologized? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Is this how your parents fought or something? That's just not cool to do even when you're really mad at a friend."

If friend never talks to you again, no loss, your problem is solved.If friend cools off and talks to you again WITHOUT you reviewing all your lousy moments, okay.... until the next time. It would take a LONG time of being consistent on your new boundaries before your friend knocks this behavior off. Also could be never, because a kick now and then may be what your friend really wants from this friendship.

Or really, what you did was so unforgiveable at its core that being friends is just not gonna work out anyway, but you're always chasing your friend down to stay friends. So... please... stop apologizing. End this dysfunction already. Let your friend go or stay friends as the friend is comfortable being-- you are who you are and in the end, a friend doesn't make a friend feel like they're in front of St. Peter on judgment day every time they fight.

Personally I prefer off this kind of abusive merry-go-around once I realize I'm on it. YMMV.

ST. PETER: Ahem... So I see from your friend's sworn statement here a very detailed list of just how many sins you have committed. Well, well. Is that really true about the hippo and the drunk ballerina and the ice skaters? No? Thought so. The sushi bar incident where you looked at her boyfriend funny? Ah, I don't see you apologized for that ten times, just... seven. Farting in the elevator countless times hmm? Should have taken lactaid for your lactose intolerance more often?

Well, looks like you're up for minor sainthood putting up with this friend, although you'll need a remedial class in common sense and major training in boundaries and letting people go. Welcome!