Had to swallow my pride and come live with my gram after moving out of state for a job, only to be fired after finding out I had cancer and tried to do chemo. I knew my parents were really really pushing me to live with my gram and go on disability even after saying no and that I never want to burden her. They actually started saying this after I told them my diagnosis before I lost my job.

Fast forward, I couldn't afford living on my own without income and had to move in with gram. At first I thought I was being paranoid thinking my parents were pressuring me to live here until gram told me at recently at dinner: "I'm so lucky I can spend the rest of my days in my own home. I would probably have to move into a facility soon if you weren't here to care for me. I'm lucky I can die here." And my world stopped cuz I never said that I would be here indefinitely. In fact I made sure to tell her it's just temporary and I hope to find a new job by spring.

I thought ok maybe she's just confused since she's declined much more than i had anticipated since I saw her last. Then Thanksgiving happened a few days later and I saw my cousin and her dad, my uncle Mike. They both were told the same thing by my parents: I'm here to be a caregiver for however long until she eventually passes.

My parents are terrible ppl who live just 45 minutes away from gram but refuse to help her at all. They just pushed it all on Mike who lives 3hrs away from her. They had no sympathy when I told them I have cancer or when I literally lost everything because of it. They never once offered to help in any capacity and never even spoke to me after I told them I was fired, unless it was to tell me to live with my gram while on disability. And when I vented online that I had no family that cared about me they told me my mother had brainwashed me and now "i think they're all shit" but I don't even speak with her? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when I talk to them there is so much gaslighting and projection.

Anyway, I knew they're awful but this takes the whole fckn cake. I am appalled they told her this and everyone else. They just don't want the responsibility to help her OR me and this was orchestrated so they could just wash their hands of us both.

Now that I am looking for jobs and might be moving out in January, I'm feeling wracked with guilt. Who will care for her? What will happen when I move? Her memory and her physical abilities have really declined. She is having trouble walking, bathing, and cooking for herself. She needs help and shouldn't be living alone but she lives in the middle of the woods and cannot even get wifi so I can't find a job that will allow me to stay. It's awful but I also don't want to give my parents the satisfaction of being the solution to THEIR problem. Which also makes me feel like an ass cuz it's my gram who will suffer and she's the only family I have that cares about me.

But I'm not equipped nor in good enough physical or mental health to help her. I need to be in the hospital rn but I don't have insurance. I was an activity director at a retirement campus in my early 20s for a few years but I'm not a trained caregiver. I'm still trying hard to dig myself out of a really dark place mentally with all the horrible things that have happened in the last year. And she has become oddly nearly irritated with me all the time. If I don't agree with everything she says she will literally yell at me that I'm being "negative"and "won't let her speak" but that's never actually the case. She's become overbearing, trying to manage every little thing I do. If I try to explain something she's confused about she just yells that she knows what she's talking about cuz she's been around a lot over than me. This isn't the gram I know. She's always been kind of sassy and a lil arrogant and harsh sometimes but this is another level. When my cousin visited for the holiday she was so much nicer to her.

She is still aware and alert, she just has memory issues and tells the same stories every day which makes it seem like it's not an alzheimers issue but rather she's gotten comfortable with me and is showing me another side of herself (would explain why my dad is the way he is if this is how she parents him).

I'm feeling a million different things and I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to do with all of this when I honestly haven't even had the chance to process my divorce, the loss of my job and all my possessions, or even my cancer diagnosis.

Any advice is so very appreciated. Sorry for the long ramble.