so at therapy this morning it finally came out that i need to stop caregiving. and start living my life. my health recently nosedived and if i dont live some of my life now ill probably be dead or on dialysis by 50. i convinced myself that i didnt fail though stll feels that way, now the hard part, i cant afford 24/7 care for my mom, we havent gotten medicaid coverage yet. how am i gonna convince my brother to either take her in for a few months or start helping me pay for her care? moms health has cratered in recent weeks and im doing even more for her. i feel kinda hopeful for the future now. i actually want to try and date and love and explore and travel and live. i havent wanted to live in a while. anyways just wanted to post a semi positive message for once. wish me luck in the struggles ahead.

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*UPDATE* well the talk didnt go well. mom either doesnt care or doesnt want to accept that i need to have a life. i told her that im run down and i just cant do it all anymore but honestly i got the continued impression that shes being selfish and just didnt care. i understand not wanting to be alone, but its too much. being in a fight or flight mode for 5 plus years has taken its toll. i might be dead in ten years. im trapped, i know it. maybe ill just start planning my end of life after she passes. i cant afford to get her 24/7 care and i cant do it myself anymore. i was so full of hope and life yesterday, but like every other time it was a falsegood. ugh, i wish this medicaid funding woukd get approved.