I don't know if I'm just being anxious, as I am medically diagnosed for it, or this is my gut talking but something inside me is telling me that my mom will die this 2025. Of course, I hope I am wrong and that this is just me focusing on the gloom and doom of her disease, but this anxiety feels different.

My mom has been diagnosed with lung cancer back in April 2019. She got the tumor removed thru surgery and was declared cancer free, six months later. The doctors didn't even need to do chemotherapy because nothing was popping up in any laboratory exams.

It came back 2 years later (2021), this time on the other lung. She did a full rounds of chemotherapy but they saw not too much progress, doctors ordered another rounds of chemotherapy but she did not want to do it. She said it was draining the quality of her life and would rather spend the rest of her days filled with vigor, but a part of me thinks she was swayed by those multi level marketing schemes thinking their products would help her.

November 2023 she was rushed to the hospital because there's liquid in her lungs. December 2023, she was told she had Stage 4 lung cancer, without chemo she would have only a month to live, so she did chemotherapy and immunotherapy every 3 weeks. A year has passed and she's still here with us. Only this time, a mass has already been seen in her brain six months ago.

She stopped chemotherapy again for the same reason. She did not go for her rounds of chemotherapy this December. She was hospitalized this year because of some problem with her immune system (because of the chemotherapy), and she had to stop her immunotherapy because she was reacting badly against it. Basically the treatment that should be helping her are all turning against her and it's killing her quality of life.

Lately she's been asking for more and more family time, and she's been eating more and going out more, which is great, but something in my gut is telling me she's doing all of these because she knows something that we don't. She is feeling something but won't tell us about it. I am deeply heartbroken over this. Here I am, thinking that I can enter 2025 with a new and better perspective in life, but my gut is telling me something is gonna catch me by surprise. I don't know what to do. Our relationship is so complicated, but I don't want her to die, I wanna be by her side, but I know it will come at the cost of my mental health. I don't know.