Hi. I’m glad this community exists. While my family has been close in the past, it’s getting more difficult to speak with my mom and sister.

5 years ago my dad was diagnosed with stage IV Squamous Cell on his tongue and throat. He was given 9 months to live. After chemo and radiation, we’re lucky he’s still with us. He was able to walk me and my sister down the aisle and meet his grandkids. Yay!

Unfortunately in the past few years, my sister and I had a falling out and my mom and I don’t talk as much. My sister and I have started to rebuild our relationship and have always said no matter what happens between us, we need to put it aside to be there for our parents. I love my mom dearly and have a decent relationship with her. I’m definitely closer with my dad and my mom is closer with my mom.

During my dads first treatment, chemo, my sister and I took on a lot of the caregiving. My mom seemed to be in denial, didn’t seem too interested in the day to day care. It was hard to watch my dad not get the support he needed from his wife. At that time, my mom was still smoking and refused to smoke outside and saw no issues with how it would impact my dad’s recovery. That kept up for 2 years.

A few weeks after chemo ended, my sister and I had our falling out. (My husband and I took my family on vacation and my brother in law, sister’s husband, got drunk, hit on me and pushed me against a wall when I refused, all in front of my sister! In the morning I told her I thought it was best if he left, but wanted her to stay and have time with my dad. She said no, he’s staying. After that they both started drinking again. I asked them to leave the next day.) I know it upset my parents, but they said they understood. Plus, they’ve never been huge fans of her husband.

After that, my dad started radiation on his throat. Because of the family drama, the toxic work environment I was in and my own mental health, It was hard for me to be there for my dad as much I was had been. My mom did a 180 from being kind of passive to controlling all aspects of his care. Which was good because he needed a peg tube and supervision with his pain meds. She wouldn’t accept any help from us, extended family or friends. Once my dad recovered from radiation and was tumor free, things relaxed a bit.

My sister had her 1st child and we all kind of came together again. I eventually resigned from the toxic job (that was really tough) and became very depressed. I’m glad to say that battle is over and I’m taking good care of myself now.

This past October we learned my dad’s cancer returned in his lung and started immunotherapy. His oncologist talked immunotherapy up as the miracle we were hoping for, telling us how well his patients have done on it. I think his optimism and calmness didn’t give us much reason to be concerned. 2 weeks ago we found out it wasn’t working. Dad started chemo yesterday. He’s always been in good spirits, had a good sense of humor about all this and says he’ll stop fighting. Yesterday while sitting with him, I saw a fear in his eyes I hadn’t before. Understandably.

I’m concerned about the care and support my dad is receiving at home. My mom is now 71, still works part time from home and babysits my sister’s 2.5 year old and now her newborn son, for 30-40 hours/week. My dad had rearranged his work schedule to accommodate my mom needing help with just 1 grandchild. My sister is a lawyer that works out of her house. I live less than a mile away (I’m job hunting so my schedule is flexible) and her in-laws live a street away from them. Seeing what a burden it is on my parents, I’ve offered to watch my niece and nephew countless times, but she prefers my mom watches them. When I talk to my mom, the only thing she’ll talk about is my niece and nephew.

My dad felt (and now even more) that my sister was/is taking advantage of them. He finally told my mom he’s upset with my sister for expecting them to watch her kids full time, especially now that my he’s going through chemo. My mom said it’s not a problem and doesn’t understand why it matters. My sister and her husband have always been closer with his family and I know it hurts my parents that they don’t spend time with them outside of babysitting and especially on the holidays. My parents don’t even bother asking them with help them around the house, so the help they do need, falls to my husband and me. We’re happy to help, but it’s frustrating.

My biggest concern is my dad receiving the care and attention he needs at home from my mom. I’m frustrated because I can’t do anything about it.

Sorry for the rant and to those that made it to the end, thank you.