I had been active all day without eating. Came in an hour befoe supper at the people we were visiting. We weren't the only visitors, the table was set for 12.

I had 3 G&T's before supper, and they hit hard.

Partway thorugh supper, I thought, "maybe my mouth is leading it's own life" I asked my wife "Am I acting foolish?"

She responded "shutup and eat your supper"

Trigger. It was my mom speaking. All the scorn, belittlement, contempt was there. I was embarrassing her in front of her friends.

I got up from the table, left the room, left the house, turned off Find My access from her account. Turned off my phone, and spend the next 6 hours walking Stanley Park. Almost walked to the air port instead.

3 points for "flee" response.

I got back about midnight. Wife reached out to hug me, with a "where have you been?" in a concerned tone.

"Don't touch me!"

She backed away.

"Huh? What's wrong"

"Do you remember what you said to me before I left the table?"

"No, why"

I repeated what she said and the tone of voice.

"Oh." Pause. "Can we talk about it?"

"No, not now. Maybe in the morning"

I wasn't ready the next morning or the morning after, or 3 days later. Meanwhile I slept on the very edge of the bed. I wouldn't touch her, and would avoid her touch.

My dreams at night were running, always running from *something*. Always in the dark, no brighter than a full moon. Sometimes with someone, sometimes alone.

Finally when we left Van, I explained. The link to my mom. The tone of voice. The sudden feeling of distrust, of fear of her (wife)

I asked for space, and she's been giving it.

She asked me to turn on her access to location services. I refused. "I'm not living on a leash anymore."

​

***

I've been making good progress. The imposter syndrome has been fading. MOst of the time I am the bright shinny easter egg persona I present to the world.

But I told my T. that with my wife, there was a bubbly exterior, but Me was inside. She asked if this was always the case, so I started watching Me.

Only with wife. And normally my imposter syndrome is "Bright confident exterior" and "worthless turd" interior. Now it was different. Interior Me was watching, waiting, on guard for the next betrayal

***

Here's the thing. I don't want to trust her. Or part of me doesn't. But I feel shame and guilt for not wanting to trust her. And, being me, I can feel shame and guilt for feeling strong emotions like shame and guilt.

I put "seeking advice" but "sharing" could ahve been just as good. I think I'm looking for other, similar stories, partly to see how they worked out in the end, and partly because I want to know I'm not alone with this.

Thanks, guys. (gals too..)

​

Edit: Addition.

Tonight after I put her to bed, she asked for a goodnight kiss.

I said "No."

As I closed the door she asked why. I thought for two steps, then went back, "Because I don't trust you and I'm afraid of you"