TL:DR; Have permission from spouse to seek extramarital gay sex, and can't do it out of feelings of shame, not good enough.

Background: CSA as toddler, loss caregiver age 7, CPA, emotional neglect later.

Reaction by being total asexual until mid 40's. Married a widow. Had a few years of occasional meh sex until she hit menopause. Dead bedroom for the next 17 years.

Therapy as awakened an interst in sex, along with the self admission that I'm gay. I negotiated permission with my partner for me to explore this side of my life.

She's not happy about it, but she accepts it.

And I can't use this permission. I can flirt. I can meet for coffee dates. But when it comes to meeting for sex, there is too much shame wrapped around sex.

But there is shame wrapped up in NOT being able to do this. It's another damn way that I'm broken -- unable to do things that most people can do.