I've been here thinking I've dismantled all the layers of the trauma-onion and had just a few spots to sort out, with good tools to do so, but there's another layer still.

I've gotten to a really good place mentally. It made me very protective of myself and the status quo. I've never been this in touch with my feelings and needs, and I guess I don't know how to work with them in a self-respecting manner. There are some changes in waiting that are bound to be beneficial and long term unavoidable. But I just can't. It's really hard to describe because people go on to tell me "feel whatever you feel and do it anyway", but it's literally like trying to move in sleep paralysis and it intuitively feels like a bad approach from the get-go.

On some level it feels like I've wedged myself into a cupboard like I did as a little kid, it makes me feel safe and comfortable and I feel like I'll never have to leave and nobody can make me. And I've brought pillows and a nice book. But I'd like to stretch out and I can't do this from here. I don't want to face the demands outside the cupboard. I'm finally feeling good and I don't want to lose it by introducing stress and change. I know I can handle it, but I'm scared of losing this easy comfort and peace in the process.

A little unflattering thought - I'm finally taken care of, secure and valued for myself like I should have been as a child. It feels so harsh to leave this behind so soon in favor of being a functional adult who can pull their own weight.

I'm not sure how to move from here.