I'm 70. Still horny.

Two years ago I admitted to myself I was gay. The thought of having a gay affair fills me with guilt.

I don't have sex with my wife. That stopped 15 years ago when she hit menopause, refused HRT, and her libido died.

I'm a gay virgin. My wife is the only one I've ever had sex with. the only person I've kissed on the mouth. There's still a lot of ace running through me. The thought of my mouth to genitalia is revolting in my head. The sight of genitalia is a turnoff. Far more turned on by touch and mental fantasy. Conventional porn is meh. BSDM porn can be exciting. She is not into that at all.

I married at 45. Up to then I was ace. Scars from child abuse. My marriage was an alternative to suicide. If you don't like your life, change it.

We spoke once about this. I said I wanted connection. I said that I was finally in touch with myself to say, without feeling shame, that I wanted sex. I asked for permission to take on a gay lover. She said no.

I asked her about couples / marriage counseling. She had a bad experience with her first husband (she's a widow) with this. "You choose. Pick a woman." Nothing has happened.

She loves me, but has her own psychological problems. We are both in therapy with different counselors.

I like her. I don't love her. I don't love anyone. Never fallen in love. Closest I've come is a few short lived crushes. I see love portrayed in the media, and it's clear they are feeling something different.

We still have lots to talk about. She makes me laugh. Economically if we separate, she will go live with her son. I will have to continue working as long as I can.

I see her stance as very 'dog in the manger' "I don't want sex, but you can't go get it somewhere else." I resent that.

Ideas?

This is all tied up with my CPTSD, a messy mix of rape by my brother, physical abuse by my mom, intermittent emotional neglect by both parents, sex marked as shameful from before I could talk. (Likely my brother threating to tell my parents what I did, and that they would trade me in at Sears and Roebuck on a new brother for him. I remember that threat still being made years later.) It didn't help that my parents wouldn't talk about sex, didn't show physical affection for each other in public. I never did get the talk that dad's give sons. Then the catholic school and church.