Life Lessons

Great lessons often feel Like you just learned Learned a truth You already knew.

Deep inside, you knew this lesson But didn’t know that you knew. Didn’t know that you knew this truth.

Not all lessons come with comfort. Not all lessons are easy to hear. Many are hard to learn.
Some you learn from much practice Some you learn from much exposure.

I learned a lesson from my parents:

Don't count on people.
Don't let them get too close.
For they will always reject me. Abandon me.

I learned self reliance. I learned independence.

They weren’t there for me. They weren’t there today. They won’t be there tomorrow.
Maybe Tuesday. Maybe next week. But if I had to bet, to make a bet I’d Bet on absence. Being forgotten. This I learned all too well.

Yet sometimes, they were there. Sometimes I asked questions Sometimes I got answers. Sometimes, they tried to teach To instruct me in the Way Tried to give me their advice.

Sometimes, I got help

Those times were few. Their advice was bad. Their Way was not my Way. Their Way was alien. My time was wasted.

If you expect it, If you count on rejection If you know you won’t be heard If certain you’re not seen it's easier to take if they are distant. Easier to take if you don’t care Too much.

Never fully trust.

I’ve learned the signs: The impatient looks. The forgotten appointments. Promises made, then forgotten. Vows to do better next time. Vows broken. Before their echoes died away.

I’m no better. Indeed, when they get close. (They being anyone. People.) When they are too much in my life. I push them away. Push them away with the same techniques.

It hurts less if cut them off first.

I learned a lesson from the church. From the Roman Catholic Church. Holy Mother Church taught me well.

The priests called it “self abuse”. Slang at the time was “jacking off” The fancy word was “masturbation”

The doctrine of the day was dark. “This is a grave misuse of God’s gift. “This is turning your back on God “This is a mortal sin.” So they spake. So I believed.

Hellfire awaits those unforgiven. Pain and everlasting torment.

But to obtain forgiveness. To receive absolution, You must sincerely want Sincerely want to sin no more. To make an effort A serious effort To not repeat this serious sin. To not offend God again.

And if you do not take these steps If you do not really try To move away from this sin Then you receive no absolution You receive no forgiveness.

I learned two things from the Church I learned that I will burn Writhe in torment everlasting. Burn in fire for all time. I knew that by age 13. I had no one who could tell me different. I trusted no one with this secret. And so I lived in shame and fear Of the fate, I had in store.

The other lesson that I learned The other words that I heard

God is love.

Putting both lessons together I quickly realized.

Love is conditional. For even God cannot show God cannot really show Unconditioonal love.

So the Church taught me well. Not good enough.

And so others also taught me. Their chuches must teach the same. Every day in every way Every day I got the message. Some direct, some by hints Every day I got the message.

Not good enough.