No, I'm not soliciting here. I'm 70, male. Almost certainly gay. Or ace. Or bi.

Background in brief:

• CSA age 3. details unknown, but it make me cover up for a decade.
• parents by example said sex was shameful. never spoke of it. never showed romantic interaction. I walked in on them age 4 or 5 and even by that time knew that something was wrong, and backed out of the bedroom quiet like a mice. I never asked them about it, although I was the elephant's child 'satiably curious about everything.
• lesson reinforced at age 6 when my sister got pregnant, and was sent away. I have two versions of what happened next. My sister says that I wasn't told anything. I remember being told then blabbing to the nuns at school. NOt sure which is true.
• lesson reinforced again in Catholic Christain Doctrine classes, when the good priests told us boys that masturbation was a mortal sin. By age 13 I was certain I would burn in hell forever.
• I was ace in high school. In college. After graduating from college, for the next 24 years.
• A widow grabbed me. I was contemplating suicide, so, "If you don't like your life, change something" Our sex life was non-spectacular. Within the year I was nutting on my own between our few times per month engagements.
• That ended when she hit menopause. Our bedroom has been dead for 15 years.
• I didn't really miss it.
• Last March I started therapy for CPTSD.
• I'm getting emotions back
• I'm getting desires back. But not toward gals.
• I've admitted that not just straight both to myself and to my wife.
• I asked her if I could take a gay lover.
• She was really disturbed by this notion.
• We agreed to try a few things.
• She fell and broke her hip.
• Recent negotiations revolve around cuddling. I find cuddling/foreplay without resolution to be frustrating. She finds sex painful unless using very large quantities of lube. At which point it's the sexual equivalent of air guitar.
• I don't want sex with someone who is not an enthusiastic partner. No "lie back and think of england"
• Depending on what parts I'm blended with, I'm either ace, mildly, or strongly interested in taking on a gay lover.

***

Present situation.

• I don't understand love. I do understand respect, duty, wedding vows.
• Part of me wants to stay true to my best friend, but not my lover.
• Part of me is quite willing to have a gay affair if I can avoid hurting her, and maybe even with hurting her.
• I'm on several dating sites, learning to flirt -- somthing I never learned when I was young.
• I've met for coffee and conversation with a few. But no real spark.
• I've met for "something more" with a few. But again no spark, not only unable to get erect, but no real interest in the act. It's not clear if my CSA, my values, or my lack of social skills is at fault.
• So at present I have a fair fantasy life, and no real chance at anything more.

I wrote all this up for my therapist early on. It's never come up in our sessions. I think she is uncomfortable with dealing with this.

Edit: The issues is not whether or not to have an affair. That's something to be negotiated yet. The issue is this flip-flop between fascinated at some moments, and revolted at others. It's not performance anxiety, it's closer to disgust.

Ideas? Should this be over in /r/sex (little understanding of CPTSD) or in /r/deadbedroms (Abandon hope all ye who enter here)