Oftentimes I am a misanthrope who hates everyone, is seething with anger, doesn’t want relationships with anyone, and would prefer to live alone on an island in the middle of nowhere because I’ve given up on humanity.

Equally often, I just feel completely numb and apathetic towards everyone.

But on other, admittedly rare occasions… I start to suspect that maybe I secretly DO care about people- somewhere, deep down. Specifically, sometimes when I see people hurting and suffering, I feel a desperate desire to help them, and often will go out of my way to do so.

This complicates things. If I just hated everyone. I feel like that would be easy to understand. I don’t understand this emotional whiplash happening in my head. I hate myself and often think of myself as a bitter and unstable person. I see myself as a monster or a villain. But sometimes I have an unsettling kindness to my behavior, despite my internal monologue being like “fuck everyone”.

Animals seem to like me. Kids do, too. I don’t get it. I’m such a bitter person inside. But last week I was a visitor at a summer camp, and a little girl latched onto my arm and stuck to me like glue and told me she wanted me to stay with her, and all of the other kids supposedly loved talking to me and were sad when I had to go home. People’s pets that are terrified of everyone and super jumpy are somehow ok with my presence.

It feels so wrong. All of it. I just feel this heavy numbness inside of me. Being kind to others somehow hurts me, deep down. I just feel this intense searing pain whenever I do it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the gratitude from others, maybe it’s the feeling that I’m scamming them into thinking I’m a good person. I also can’t stand receiving any kindness. Cruelty is whatever but kindness hurts me and makes me feel like I’m gonna throw up. What’s wrong with me? I feel sick.