I just cried for an hour to the rape hotline about this and forgot a few things I didn't realize might have been relevant. I, male, was flashed by my mother. It was very disturbing. She made me cuddle with her when I didn't want to, I was like her surrogate boyfriend, and surrogate father. She used me, I think, to fulfill all her needs. Just taking cuddles or my money or whatever whenever she wanted it. She would have sex with her boyfriend when I was in highschool in the next room loudly and it really bothered me. I told them to stop, and that it was really upsetting but they did it still, I think maybe even louder, and then when I had a friend over. It was really disturbing. I also had no personal space or private space, she would make fun of me and call me names for watching porn. Going though my stuff and looking at my history no privacy. No private space, ask me to strip so she can "see my first pubic hair" or "see my growing boy". It always made me uncomfortable and I told her and she would pressure and guilt me Into it anyways. Gaslight me into and it continued for years. Like when she was between boyfriends or was just lonely and I was a teenager, come lay down with mummy. No mom I don't want to. Don't you love me? Come lay down with me. Don't you love me? Take your clothes off so I can see my developing son. Even as an adult before I cut her off (I'm in my early 20s) I start bodybuilding and she's on it again. Gaslighting me that I'm not a fucking jacked bodybuilder, but I'm actually an anorexic thin person in trouble and I have to strip and let her see. If you love and trust me you'll get naked and let me see. I can't believe I was falling for it, I thought it was okay but it was fucked. I still can't even go to the beach or take my shirt off because I'm scared I'll be a fucking skeleton even though probably 2 hours prior I was probably in the gym and contrary to that false belief I have fucking abs you can grate cheese on and she was just fucking destroying my confidence for fun or for leverage or whatever. I still see it though. I can't fucking unseen it, she actually has me believing it sometimes. I'm built like a fucking Greek god and when I strip sometimes see how I actually look l, but mostly see how she wanted me to see myself. I'm so fucking angry right now I'm realizing how fucked this was and is and how much she took advantage of me. What the fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I want to fucking destroy evething around me right now. Fuck.

Was this sexual abuse? That's the question. I really just need someone to look at the facts and say yes or no, that's what I need right now.i can't trust myself, the gaslighting got me all fucked up, I literally cannot trust my own judgement in regards to the abuse, there's this voice that's saying stop being a victim you little bitch even though that's exactly what I fucking am, I'm a victim and I deserve to feel fucking bad or pissed about it.