Usually people are dismissive and uncaring towards me. But there’s this new friend of mine who I only met relatively recently (we’re both actors and worked on the same show). He doesn’t treat me like anyone else I know. He actually seems to care about me, and is very sweet. There also seems to be some mutual attraction involved.

The problem is, I literally don’t know how to respond to his kindness. It upsets me for some reason, and makes me want to push him away. I just feel this extreme bitterness festering inside of me. And the unshakeable belief that “no one cares about me” and “I need to do everything alone.”

This boy seems to be a genuinely very sweet and caring person. He seems to adore me and look up to me (I’m a year older) and admires my talent and creativity. He keeps calling me a very special and unique and lovely person.

He also actually seems to respect my gender identity and use my correct pronouns (I know that is a very low bar to be setting, but honestly most people I know don’t even pass that bar.)

I feel weird and bitter and uncomfortable in response. I don’t think it’s that I don’t like him- clearly I do. But if I genuinely like him and love spending time with him, then what is this sick feeling that keeps rising up inside of me?

I can’t accept a compliment, I always deflect or make some kind of edgy joke in response. I’ve had shitty and toxic friends throughout the past four years of college. Most of my friends do not care about me, and I am more comfortable that way- surrounded by people who are apathetic towards me.

I don’t know what to do about this guy who is literally an angel. Or with this extreme bitterness inside of me. I feel like a festering corpse, rotting from the inside out. If he saw these parts of me surely he’d be singing a different tune.

We’re supposed to hang out in two days and I’m so worried that I’ll be reactive and hurt his feelings by being too cold or hostile or aloof.