I think I may have had some real big traumas I've been repressing and can't remember. I know my mom (one of abusers) may have been raped and that makes me worried I may have been too and can't touch the memory. Idk if this is just conformation bias or a false memory though, but I've experience in psychadelics where I feel like I'm reliving something along the lines if a sexual abuse or something like that but it's very blurry and I can't really see what's happening. I have a memory of a time in my teens when my mom flashed me through the shower curtain on purpose and feeling scared and emotional about it, that one im sure happened, so maybe thats speaks to larger. Also contributing, my mom would encourage me to sleep in bed with her and cuddle until i was in my teens, sometimes even in my later teens once in a while too.I've also never been in a relationship and am somewhat afraid/intimidated by women (straight male early 20s). Sometimes I have these sexual fantasies where I'm sodomized by a faceless figure too, so I'm not sure how that factors in. Had periods where i thought i maybe confused about my sexuality in part to the prior 2 poin ts since i thought since i had these fantasies and being repelled (not repulsed or unnatracted to but repelled from) women. Whole Lotta Info, not sure how to piece this all together. Thoughts?